U.S. — Fans reportedly took time on "May the 4th" for silent reflection, somberly remembering the now deceased Star Wars franchise.
Babylon Bee
Temu Shutdown Devastates Americans Looking To Buy Throw Pillows That Look Like Chicken Legs
U.S. — The fallout from President Trump’s tariffs on Chinese goods continued to be felt in new ways, as the announcement from online marketplace Temu that it would halt shipments to the U.S. devastated millions of Americans looking to buy throw pillows that look like chicken legs.
Evangelicals Furious After Trump Shares Sacrilegious Photo Of Himself As Bibleman
U.S. — Evangelicals are furious after President Trump shared a sacrilegious picture of himself as the famous Christian-themed superhero Bibleman.
Man Carries Grocery Basket Like Dainty Village Girl Skipping Through Orchard Picking Apples
KINGSPORT, TN — According to sources, a local man was seen at the store carrying a grocery basket like a dainty village girl skipping through the orchard picking apples.
Trump To Expand Alcatraz By Putting Up Fence Around San Francisco
U.S. — A new era of dealing with depraved lawbreakers dawned today, as President Donald Trump vowed to reopen and expand Alcatraz by putting up a fence around the entire city of San Francisco.
New, Improved Hymnals To Include Silly Songs With Larry
U.S. — The Baptist Church has released a new, improved hymnal which contains all of the Silly Songs sung by Larry the Cucumber.
Chipotle Announces Plans To Get Even Worse
NEWPORT BEACH, CA — Chipotle executives unveiled plans today for the restaurant chain to somehow get even worse.
Bill Belichick’s Girlfriend Leaves Him For Lou Holtz
CHAPEL HILL, NC — Sources close to Jordon Hudson confirmed today that the 24-year-old has officially dumped Bill Belichick for Lou Holtz.
Conductor Asks Congregation To Stop Yelling ‘Freebird!’ During Handbell Performance
FORT WAYNE, IN — Handbell choir conductor Matthew Grey was recently forced to ask the congregation to stop yelling "FREEBIRD!" during handbell performances.
Marco Rubio Named Interim Lawn Guy
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of firing long-time White House lawn guy Juarez Stevenson, Secretary of State Marco Rubio scored yet another position today, with Trump naming Rubio interim Lawn Guy.