WASHINGTON, D.C. — A specialized test used to determine which Hogwarts House a person belongs to has proven once and for all that President Trump is "smart as a whip" and a Gryffindor.
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Man Sadly Informs Son After Watching ‘Return Of The Jedi’ That They Never Made Any More Star Wars Movies
BLOOMINGTON, IN — One local man had the unenviable task of ruining his child’s day, as he sadly informed his son after watching Return of the Jedi that they never made any more Star Wars movies.
Top 10 Hottest Hunks According To Taylor Lorenz
Former Washington Post journalist Taylor Lorenz cemented herself as the world’s leading style icon when she called Luigi Mangione, who murdered a healthcare CEO, a handsome and morally good person. That’s why we invited her to give us her top ten list of the hunkiest men of all…
Man Realizes Last 8 Months Of Career Could Have Been An Email
DENVER, CO — Middle Manager Colin Mears slowly realized today that the last 8 months of his career could have just been a single email.
Terrified Luigi Mangione Files Restraining Order Against Taylor Lorenz
BROOKLYN, NY — After a recent interview aired on CNN in which Taylor Lorenz fawned over the accused murderer like a giddy schoolgirl, Luigi Mangione immediately filed for a restraining order to keep Taylor Lorenz at least 100 yards away from him at all times.
Gretchen Whitmer Sneaks Into White House Again
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Days after she was unexpectedly caught meeting with President Trump in the Oval Office, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer reportedly sneaked back into the White House on Monday in far less conspicuous attire.
Donkey Entering Jerusalem Glad To Be Finally Getting Recognition He Deserves
JERUSALEM — As crowds waved palm branches and laid down their cloaks for him to walk on, a local donkey was thankful to finally be getting the recognition he always felt he deserved.
Concentration Camp Prisoners Concerned China Being Bullied By America
XINJIANG PROVINCE — Prisoners in the notorious Xinjiang concentration camp have expressed deep concern about America being such a mean bully to China.
Life Hack: Get Real Starbucks Taste At Home By Dumping Hot Water Over Cigarette Ashes
Ever wished you could recreate that signature Starbucks coffee taste at home? You can! It’s easy, inexpensive, and best of all, tastes just like Starbucks. All you need is a pot of hot water and a heaping mound of cigarette ashes.
7 Surprising Findings From Trump’s Physical
President Trump completed his annual physical at Walter Reed yesterday, earning a clean bill of health — but with a few surprises along the way. Here are the seven most shocking findings from Trump’s exam: