NEW YORK CITY, NY — In his first official act as mayor-elect, Zohran Mamdani moved the mayor’s office under a children’s hospital.
Babylon Bee
Man’s Depression Once Again Cured By Watching Sam’s Speech From ‘The Two Towers’
PINE BLUFF, AR — In what psychiatrists said can only be described as a true miracle, a man’s depression was once again cured by watching Samwise Gamgee’s famous speech from the end of The Two Towers, in which Sam encourages the despairing Frodo to keep holding on.
State Department Issues Travel Advisory For New York City
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the city’s election of an avowed and unrepentant socialist, the U.S. State Department issued an immediate and urgent travel advisory for New York City.
Experts Confirm ‘BurgerTime’ Greatest Game Ever Made
REDMOND, WA — Experts at the DigiPen Institute of Technology confirmed what many have long suspected: the greatest video game of all time is BurgerTime.
Jay Jones’ Campaign Sends Out Celebratory Text Threatening To Kill Everyone’s Children
RICHMOND, VA — As part of his staff’s afterparty after winning election as Virginia’s next Attorney General, Jay Jones’s campaign sent out a celebratory text message threatening to kill everyone’s children.
Zohran Mamdani Horrified To Discover He Now Has A Job
NEW YORK, NY — In the wake of his overwhelming election win that signalled a dramatic political shift in the United States, New York City Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani was reportedly horrified to wake up this morning and discover that he now had a job.
‘Surgery Was The Right Call,’ Says Doctor While Handing You A Bill For $450,000
U.S. — You can rest assured that the decision you made was the correct one, as the doctor who just handed you a bill for $450,000 has also informed you that opting for surgery rather than other potential remedies was in your best interests.
New York’s Elderly Jews Torn Between Man Who Would Kill Them For Being Jewish And Man Who Would Kill Them For Being Elderly
NEW YORK CITY, NY — The elderly Jewish community is reportedly at a crossroads this Election Day, torn between a man who would kill them for being Jewish and a man who would kill them for being elderly.
Death Of Awkward Conversation Marked By Simultaneous Drink Sipping
VISALIA, CA — According to sources, an awkward conversation spiraled toward its inevitable end Tuesday, marked by simultaneous drink sipping.
Mamdani Announces Plan To Blame Racism After His Policies Fail
NEW YORK, NY — As residents of the Big Apple made their way to the polls today, New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani preemptively announced plans to blame racism after his policies fail.