SANTA MONICA, CA — According to sources, a CVS employee kept a clear head amid the chaos of a recent "smash and grab" event on Friday, being sure to helpfully remind a looter to enter his rewards number before fleeing.
Babylon Bee
Heaven Confirms Prayer Hands Emoji Counts As Actually Praying For Someone
HEAVEN — Millions breathed a sigh of relief today as Heavenly sources confirmed that sending a prayer hands emoji counts exactly the same as actually praying for someone.
Old Spice Introduces New Libertarian-Strength Deodorant
U.S. — Procter & Gamble announced a new breakthrough in male grooming products on Friday with the introduction of Old Spice Libertarian-Strength Deodorant.
Trump Asks Democrats At Correspondents’ Dinner To Hold All Assassination Attempts Until He Finishes Speech
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In order to limit interruptions at tonight’s White House Correspondents Dinner, President Donald Trump requested that Democrats please hold all assassination attempts until after his speech.
With 45 Days Left Until Labor Day, Wife Unveils Pumpkin Spice Advent Calendar
CONCORD, NH — Labor Day, and the symbolic start of pumpkin spice season, is just a short 45 days away, and local woman Debrah Norringham was reportedly getting her house in the autumn spirit with a festive new pumpkin spice advent calendar.
Mamdani Condemns The Rise In Violence Against Jews Since He Declared War On Them
NEW YORK, NY — After personally declaring war on the Jewish people, Mayor Zohran Mamdani issued a forceful condemnation of the rise of violence against Jews.
New Yorker Being Stabbed On Street Corner Glad To Know Mamdani Focused On Bringing Netanyahu To Justice
NEW YORK, NY — As a mugger repeatedly stabbed him on a Manhattan street corner, local resident Ethan Wallace took comfort in the knowledge that Mayor Zohran Mamdani remained laser-focused on bringing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to justice.
OSHA Fines Construction Site For Failure To Blare Mariachi Music
LOS ANGELES, CA — A construction site in the downtown area was fined several thousand dollars on Thursday after inspectors from OSHA cited them for not blaring mariachi music.
Gen Z’er Worried He May Have Nailed Job Interview
NORTH HAVEN, CT — A local member of Gen Z reportedly suffered from a major panic attack on Thursday after becoming worried that he may have nailed his job interview.
WNBA Warns Sophie Cunningham The League Will Fold If Only Women Are Allowed To Play
U.S. — League officials for the WNBA warned Indiana Fever guard Sophie Cunningham that if men were not allowed to play women’s sports, the league would immediately fold.