MINNEAPOLIS, MN — According to witnesses, federal ICE agents shifted their tactics slightly by donning Capitol Police uniforms so that Democrats would start defending them from being harmed.
Babylon Bee
Democrats Warn Of Chilling Effect Voter ID Will Have On Rigged Elections
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold defense of democracy, Democrats warned Americans about the chilling effect voter ID laws could have on rigged elections.
Tucker Carlson Dumbfounded Why Iranians Protesting Most Amazing Government On Planet
U.S. — Political commentator Tucker Carlson expressed confusion after learning that the Iranian people were protesting their own government, saying he was absolutely dumbfounded as to why they would rebel against the greatest government on the planet.
Somalis Demand Americans Stop Judging Them By The Content Of Their Character
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Representatives of the Somali community issued a statement demanding that Americans stop judging them by the content of their character.
Democrats Say Things Would Be Much Safer If Law Enforcement Would Just Stop Trying To Enforce The Law
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following recent ICE-related shootings, Democrat leaders stepped forward to remind the nation that everything would be much safer if law enforcement would just stop enforcing the law.
Anthropologists Discover Uncontacted Tribe In Remote Area Of IKEA
COSTA MESA, CA — A team of anthropologists hard at work completing a field study announced that they had discovered a previously uncontacted native tribe in a remote area of IKEA.
With Maduro In Custody, Here Are 7 Other People Trump Should Arrest Immediately
President Donald Trump ordered the arrest of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro, toppling a brutal totalitarian regime. But he’s only getting started.
Tim Walz Calls In Somali Military To Fight Against ICE
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Governor Tim Walz took decisive action to back up his aggressive rhetoric against federal immigration operations in his state by calling in the Somali Armed Forces to assist in the fight against ICE.
Teenager Confused How Parents Still Don’t Know Everything When It Only Took Him 16 Years
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Local teen Ethan Gardener expressed confusion this week over how he had managed to learn everything in only 16 years, while his much-older parents still hadn’t figured everything out.
Exhausted Nation Wishes Minnesota Would Be Normal For Like Five Minutes
U.S. — According to sources, an exhausted nation was wishing Minnesota would just be normal for, like, five minutes.