U.S. — Members of the national media remained completely baffled as to the target or motive of a gunman carrying a detailed, 47-page manifesto entitled "Why I’m Going To Kill Donald J. Trump."
Babylon Bee
Hungover Pete Hegseth Terrified To Wake Up To Redcoats On White House Lawn
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth awoke Tuesday morning with a brutal hangover, only to be seized with terror by the sight of British Redcoats standing on the White House lawn.
Trump, Omar Argue Over Whether It’s ‘Two Corinthians’ Or ‘Eleven Corinthians’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A heated dispute broke out on Capitol Hill on Tuesday as President Donald Trump and Congresswoman Ilhan Omar clashed over whether the correct title of the Apostle Paul’s epistle was "Two Corinthians" or "Eleven Corinthians."
Nation Longs For Good Old Days When Comedians Were Funny And Didn’t Wish Death On People
U.S. — On the heels of yet another attempted act of political violence being used for laughs by late-night talk show hosts, Americans expressed a deep longing for the good old days when comedians were funny and didn’t wish death on people.
9 Warning Signs Your Teacher Might Be Plotting To Assassinate The President
As a student, it’s wise to pick up clues from your teacher — whether it’s their expectations of you, what they might include on the final exam, and whether they are plotting to assassinate the U.S. President.
Trump Presents King Charles With Autographed Copy Of Declaration Of Independence
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump welcomed King Charles III and Queen Camilla to the White House on Monday for a brief joint press conference in which he presented the British monarch with an autographed copy of the Declaration of Independence.
Struggling New York Mets To Start Mr. Met At Third Base
NEW YORK, NY — Following a brutal 9-19 start to the season, the struggling New York Mets announced that the team would start beloved mascot Mr. Met at third base.
Liberals Applaud Improving Diversity Of Would-Be Trump Assassins
U.S. — Following the harrowing incident at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner over the weekend, progressives across the United States applauded the steadily improving diversity of would-be Trump assassins.
Architect Carefully Designs Airport So Rental Car Center Is Conveniently Located 75 Miles Away
DENVER, CO — In a groundbreaking move for municipal infrastructure, lead architect Gerald Hinkley unveiled blueprints for a renovated Denver International Airport yesterday, proudly showcasing a rental car center situated just 75 miles from the main terminal.
Trump Enters Ceasefire Talks With Democrats
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced on Monday that his administration had officially entered into ceasefire talks with the Democrats.