Conservatism may be the superior political ideology, but don’t beat yourself up, liberals. There’s still plenty to be thankful for this year.
Babylon Bee
Reminder: If You Leave Your Kids Home Alone This Holiday Season, Make Sure They Have Plenty Of Paint Cans, Blowtorches, And A Cutout Of Michael Jordan
U.S. — Authorities issued a public service announcement in time for the holiday season, reminding parents that if they leave their children home alone, they should ensure that they have access to plenty of paint cans, a blowtorch, and a cardboard cutout of Michael Jordan. In a pinch,…
Family Institutes Thanksgiving Debate Rules Allowing 2-Minute Speeches With 1-Minute Rebuttal
MOULTONBOROUGH, NH — To make the most of the Thanksgiving holiday, the Richardson family reportedly instituted helpful debate rules allowing for 2-minute speeches followed by a 1-minute rebuttal.
Family Holding Out Hope This Will Finally Be Thanksgiving Where Turkey Explodes In Epic Fireball
BOISE, ID — Members of a local family are holding out hope that this might finally be the year they get to see their Thanksgiving turkey explode in an epic fireball, just like in all those local news segments warning of the dangers of turkeys exploding in epic…
Heaven Confirms People Who Prefer Ham At Thanksgiving Will Not Enter The Kingdom
HEAVEN — Celestial sources have recently confirmed that people who prefer ham to turkey at Thanksgiving will not enter the kingdom of God.
Indians Politely Decline Taste Of Pilgrims’ World-Famous Homemade Smallpox Casserole
PLYMOUTH COLONY — The world’s first Thanksgiving holiday reportedly ended with hurt feelings as the local natives appeared to politely decline a serving of the Pilgrims’ world-famous homemade smallpox casserole.
‘That Ukraine-Russia Peace Deal? I Brokered It. Me!’ Marco Rubio Tells Everyone At Thanksgiving Kids’ Table
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources at the White House say that Marco Rubio spent a full hour and a half telling the other little guys at the Thanksgiving kids’ table how he himself brokered the Ukraine-Russia peace deal.
Trump’s Strategy Of Hiring Lawyers Based On Bust Size Not Working As Well As Anticipated
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump’s seemingly bulletproof strategy of choosing lawyers exclusively based on bust size has not worked out nearly as well as anticipated.
Mall Santa Prepares For Seasonal Gig By Cutting Off Ankle Monitor
BLOOMINGTON, MN — With Thanksgiving nearly here, local man Chad Erickson was reportedly eager to get back to his true passion as a mall Santa Claus and has already begun preparing for the gig by cutting off his ankle monitor.
Trump Reminds Americans To Give Thanks For Him This Holiday
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a thoughtful Thanksgiving address, President Trump reminded the American people to give him thanks this holiday season.