LEE’S SUMMIT, MO — As people across the nation prepared to celebrate the 4th of July holiday, one sorry excuse for an American revealed he had yet to blow off a single finger with fireworks.
Babylon Bee
Planned Parenthood Warns Funding Cut Will Result In Birth Of Thousands Of Babies
U.S. — Following the passing of President Donald Trump’s historic "Big Beautiful Bill" to set the government’s spending budget, Planned Parenthood warned that the massive funding cut would result in the birth of thousands of babies.
10 Exciting Changes Disney Is Bringing To The Indiana Jones Reboot
According to rumors, Disney and Lucasfilm are looking at rebooting the beloved Indiana Jones film series sans Harrison Ford, leading fans to speculate what dramatic changes are in store for everyone’s favorite archaeologist. The Babylon Bee is here with all the details.
Wail Of Agony Heard From Satan’s Office As Planned Parenthood Defunded
HELL — A wailing, screeching sound was heard from the Devil’s office today following the defunding of Planned Parenthood by the United States Government.
LOOOOL Check Out This So-Called ‘MAN’ Who’s Doing CARDIO (A Type Of Exercise For GIRLS)
Yo, get a load of this guy!
Millions Reported Dead As ‘Big Beautiful Bill’ Passes
Continental Congress Reluctantly Agrees To Trim Down Name Of ‘Big Beautiful Declaration Of Independence’
PHILADELPHIA — After a tense round of voting, the Continental Congress passed a resolution to shorten the title of the Big Beautiful Declaration of Independence to simply Declaration of Independence.
Cold-Hearted Leftists Demand Immigrants Stay In Evil, Oppressive United States
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sickening display of cold-heartedness, American leftists are demanding that immigrants stay in the evil, oppressive regime of the United States.
Breaking: Chicago Man Not Shot
CHICAGO — Chicago native Matthew Hayes reportedly defied all odds this week by not being shot.
Journalist Up Late Trying To Decide Whether To Compare Trump’s Bill To Jim Crow Or Holocaust
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A local journalist stayed up late into the night trying to settle on the right way to report on Trump’s "Big, Beautiful Bill." He is currently torn on whether to compare the bill to Jim Crow or the Holocaust.