WORLD — With the outbreak of open hostilities between the two long-running enemy countries, the global community condemned Israel for launching devastating airstrikes against the famously peace-loving nation of Iran.
Babylon Bee
Democrat Senator Assaults Officers In Violent Insurrection
LOS ANGELES, CA — Democracy itself came under attack once again today, as a Democrat senator was arrested after assaulting law enforcement officers in what appeared to be an attempted violent insurrection.
10 More Things Gavin Newsom Blames On President Trump
California Governor Gavin Newsom called out President Trump this week, placing the blame for the ongoing Los Angeles immigration riots squarely on his shoulders. But he’s not stopping there. According to Newsom, Trump is to blame for so much more.
Libertarian Torn Between Investing In Shiny Rocks Or Magic Computer Coins
KNOXVILLE, TN — Local Libertarian Steve Kocot was unsure about how best to invest his money and was torn between investing in shiny rocks or some of those newfangled magic computer coins.
Dad Physically Unable To Drive By Cows Without Saying ‘Hey, Kids, Look — Cows’
BOULDER, CO — Sources closest to 40-year-old Jay Brennan reported that the local dad was physically unable to drive by cows without saying, "Hey, kids, look — cows."
Pope Leo Pronounces Another 100-Year Curse On The Chicago Cubs
VATICAN CITY — Exercising his authority as Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, newly-elected Pope Leo XIV pronounced another 100-year curse on the Chicago Cubs.
Old Man Reminisces About The 70s When Everything Was A Brownish-Mustard Color And Smelled Like An Ashtray
DENVER, CO — Local old man George Hibbert wistfully recalled the 1970s fondly and expressed wishes that everything could go back to being the ashtray-smelling, brownish-mustard color that was indicative of the era.
Newsom Says It’s His Duty To Represent The Illegal Immigrants Who Elected Him
LOS ANGELES, CA — In defense against the mounting criticism from across the country over his response to violent anti-ICE riots, California Governor Gavin Newsom said it’s his duty to represent the illegal immigrants who elected him.
CNN Reports Peaceful Night In L.A. As Majority Of Cars Not On Fire
U.S. — CNN reported another peaceful night in Los Angeles, as the overwhelming majority of cars in the city were not currently on fire.
Trump To Release One Gorilla To Fight Every 100 Rioters
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts immediately hailed as a genius move to combine necessary crowd control with settling a viral social media debate, President Donald Trump announced that he would be releasing one gorilla to fight every 100 rioters.