WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following recent ICE-related shootings, Democrat leaders stepped forward to remind the nation that everything would be much safer if law enforcement would just stop enforcing the law.
Babylon Bee
Anthropologists Discover Uncontacted Tribe In Remote Area Of IKEA
COSTA MESA, CA — A team of anthropologists hard at work completing a field study announced that they had discovered a previously uncontacted native tribe in a remote area of IKEA.
With Maduro In Custody, Here Are 7 Other People Trump Should Arrest Immediately
President Donald Trump ordered the arrest of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro, toppling a brutal totalitarian regime. But he’s only getting started.
Tim Walz Calls In Somali Military To Fight Against ICE
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Governor Tim Walz took decisive action to back up his aggressive rhetoric against federal immigration operations in his state by calling in the Somali Armed Forces to assist in the fight against ICE.
Teenager Confused How Parents Still Don’t Know Everything When It Only Took Him 16 Years
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Local teen Ethan Gardener expressed confusion this week over how he had managed to learn everything in only 16 years, while his much-older parents still hadn’t figured everything out.
Exhausted Nation Wishes Minnesota Would Be Normal For Like Five Minutes
U.S. — According to sources, an exhausted nation was wishing Minnesota would just be normal for, like, five minutes.
Democrats Demand To Know Why ICE Agents Can’t Just Shoot Cars In The Leg
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Democrats took to social media following the deadly ICE shooting in Minneapolis to demand to know why the agents can’t just shoot cars in the legs to de-escalate situations.
Democrats Once Again Threaten Civil War To Stop Republicans From Taking Away Their Slave Laborers
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — For the second time in American history, Democrats are threatening civil war if Republicans do not stop taking away their slave laborers.
8 Perfect New Jobs For Tim Walz
With the announcement that he is withdrawing from the Minnesota governor’s race, Tim Walz is on the hunt for a new career. Fortunately, The Babylon Bee has come up with the following list of jobs he’d be absolutely fabulous for:
Family Stages Intervention Over 40-Year-Old Dad’s Skinny Jeans
DANSVILLE, NY — The Rodgers family reportedly recruited a social worker to help moderate what turned out to be an emotional intervention for Steve Rodgers, a 40-year-old man who has persisted in wearing skinny jeans.