WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of an initiative to obtain a more accurate count of the nation’s population, President Donald Trump ordered U.S. census takers not to count anyone wearing a sombrero.
Babylon Bee
Historians Warn Hitler Also Once Stood On Roof
BERLIN — Following the unusual incident in which President Donald Trump was spotted taking a walk on top of the White House, a group of historians warned that the infamous leader of Nazi Germany, Adolf Hitler, had also once stood on a roof.
WNBA Warns If You Throw Anything On The Court, You Will Be Forced To Attend 10 More WNBA Games
NEW YORK, NY — In an effort to create a strong deterrent to anyone considering perpetrating any further incidents, the WNBA issued a warning that anyone caught throwing things onto the court would be forced to attend 10 more WNBA games.
Study Finds Possible Connection Between Current Heatwave And Giant Flaming Orb In The Sky
SILVER SPRING, MD — A new study commissioned by the National Weather Service may have found a possible connection between the current heatwave and a giant flaming orb in the sky.
The Bee Explains: Gerrymandering
The American political scene, usually so tranquil and civil, has recently descended into turmoil over something called "gerrymandering." Here is what you need to know about the practice that is tearing us all apart:
Uh-Oh: Trump Just Watched New ‘Superman’ And Now He’s On The Roof With A Red Blanket Tied Around His Neck
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secret Service remain on full alert following an incident where President Trump saw the new Superman movie and decided to go up on the roof with a red blanket tied around his neck.
Republican Party Searching Insane Asylums For Next Popular Female Politician
U.S. — As mid-term election campaigns ramp up across the country, insiders revealed that the Republican Party was hard at work searching insane asylums for its next popular female politician.
Walmart Responds To Sydney Sweeney Ad With Commerical Featuring Sexy Dad In Cargo Shorts
BENTONVILLE, AR — Taking inspiration from American Eagle’s Sydney Sweeney ad, Walmart unveiled an exciting new television commercial featuring a sexy middle-aged dad in cargo shorts.
In Most Incredible Miracle Yet, Jesus Heals 40-Year-Old Man Of Weird Sounds His Joints Make Whenever He Moves
BATON ROUGE, LA — In a miracle outstripping even the raising of Lazarus from the dead, Jesus healed 40-year-old John Stephens of all the weird sounds his joints make every time he moves.
Satan Takes Trump To Roof Of White House To Offer Him All The Kingdoms Of The World
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump was spotted on the roof of the White House Tuesday with none other than the Father of Lies, who reportedly offered him all the kingdoms of the world.