ATLANTA, GA — As part of the channel’s ongoing quest to ensure accurate media reporting, CNN has elected to run live retractions simultaneously with the news stories being reported at the time.
Babylon Bee
Media: No Motive Yet In Attack On Jewish Synagogue By Radical Muslim
U.S. — With the nation reeling from an outbreak of violent incidents in the wake of the U.S. military strikes against Iran, the media clarified that there was no known motive yet in the attack on a Jewish Synagogue by a radical Muslim.
Jew Converts To Christianity After Twitter User Says ‘Christ Is King, You Filthy Money-Grubbin’ Jew’
NEW YORK, NY — Heaven rejoiced today after a Jewish man accepted Jesus and converted to Christianity. Sources confirmed that the man was converted thanks to the powerful witness of an X user who proclaimed, "Christ is King, you filthy money-grubbin’ Jew."
Morbidly Obese Pete Hegseth Denies Any Knowledge Of What Happened To Leftover Lobster For The Troops
WASHINGTON, D.C. — An uncharacteristically rotund Pete Hegseth held a press conference to deny having any knowledge of what happened to all the leftover lobster that had been procured for the troops.
Google Maps Subtracts Hour From Travel Time After Realizing Dad Driving
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google announced an update for its popular Google Maps application that would automatically subtract an hour from travel time if it knows a dad is driving.
Democrats Expel Fetterman After Repeated Warnings To Stop Supporting America
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Democrats voted to expel Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman on Thursday after their repeated warnings for him to stop supporting America were ignored.
Man Hires Oscars Orchestra To Play ‘Wrap It Up’ Music When Wife’s Stories Go Too Long
MILWAUKEE, WI — Local man Ed Clayfield reportedly saved himself an extended period of suffering by hiring members of the Academy Awards Orchestra to perform the "Wrap It Up" music whenever his wife’s stories go too long.
Donald Trump Appoints Grand Admiral Thrawn To Lead The Carrier Strike Group In Persian Gulf
PERSIAN GULF — Iran’s military command is desperately scrambling to react upon learning the news that Donald Trump had chosen Mitth’raw’nuruodo, otherwise known as Grand Admiral Thrawn, to lead the U.S. carrier strike group in the Persian Gulf.
SAVE Act Passes After Mike Lee Cleverly Changes Its Name To The ‘Give Congress A Raise Act’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite early indications to the contrary, the Senate passed the SAVE Act after Senator Mike Lee reportedly changed its name to the "Give Congress A Raise Act."
Iran Cancels Plan To Attack California After Seeing Gavin Newsom Already Destroyed It
TEHRAN — Rumors of the Ayatollah regime’s nefarious plot to launch an assault on the west coast of the United States hit a snag on Wednesday, as Iran canceled plans to attack California after seeing Gavin Newsom had already destroyed it.