SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Just in time for St. Patrick’s Day, San Francisco officials spared no expense in dyeing all the poop on the city’s sidewalks green.
Babylon Bee
Trump Lures Gay Ayatollah Out Of Hiding With Cardboard Cutout Of David Hasselhoff
TEHRAN — At President Donald Trump’s direction, the U.S. military successfully took out Iran’s new gay supreme leader by luring him out of his bunker with a cardboard cutout of Baywatch star David Hasselhoff.
9 Clear Signs The Ayatollah Is Gay
In addition to reports that he was seriously injured in airstrikes at the onset of the U.S.-Iran conflict, new rumors arose this week that the newly chosen Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, is also incredibly gay. Upon further investigation, however, the signs may have always been there.
Pedro Pascal Named Oscars’ Best Dressed Woman
LOS ANGELES, CA — Actor Pedro Pascal received a notable honor the day following the Oscars, as he was officially named this year’s Best Dressed Woman at the Academy Awards, marking a career first for the Chilean-Mexican actor.
‘Jim Crow 2.0!’ Shouts Chuck Schumer While Being Escorted Out Of Costco For Not Having Membership Card
ALEXANDRIA, VA — Senator Chuck Schumer was seen struggling with Costco security guards after failing to show his membership card at the entrance of the warehouse, an event the politician was heard loudly calling "Jim Crow 2.0."
Ayatollah Disappointed To Learn 72 Virgins Awaiting Him In Paradise Are All Women
TEHRAN — With rumors about his sexual preferences circulating amid the ongoing military conflict ravaging his country, the new Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei was reportedly disappointed to learn that the 72 virgins awaiting him in paradise were all women.
Wise Dad Prepares Son For Life’s Challenges By Having Him Play ‘Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!’
REDLANDS, CA — For eons, fathers have been sharing wisdom with their sons to prepare them for adulthood, but none have been as successful as local father Garrett Jackson, who reportedly prepared his son for life’s challenges by making him play Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!
‘New York Times’ Retracts Story Due To Several Accuracies
NEW YORK, NY — The recent string of embarrassing incidents involving popular media outlets continued on Monday, as The New York Times was forced to retract a story due to several accuracies.
‘Sinners’ Wins Oscar For Crappiest Movie To Win Oscar
HOLLYWOOD, CA — The horror movie Sinners has officially won the Oscar for "Crappiest Movie To Win An Oscar".
Trump Snubbed Again At Oscars For Role In ‘Home Alone 2’
HOLLYWOOD, CA — President Trump has once again been snubbed for his iconic role in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.