KYIV — Ukraine government officials sounded the alarm today after President Trump emerged from his meeting with Putin sporting a beautiful Soviet ushanka.
Babylon Bee
Highschool Freshman Disappointed There Isn’t An Affable Loner Around On First Day Of School To Point Out Which Tables In The Lunch Room Various Social Groups Sit At
SAN DIMAS, CA-Local high school freshman Pete Slater expressed disappointment this week as he was unable to locate an affable, slightly goth loner who could show him around the school cafeteria and point out where various social groups sit.
Scholars Now Believe Samson Slew 1,000 Philistines With A 6-inch Italian B.M.T.
WORLD — Old Testament scholars announced today that new evidence has revealed Samson actually slew one thousand Philistines with a 6-inch Italian B.M.T. on wheat.
Disaster Strikes As Trump Accidentally Rips Putin’s Arm Off With Macho Handshake
ANCHORAGE, AK — Peace negotiations to end the war in Ukraine were reportedly off to a bad start after President Donald Trump accidentally ripped Russian President Vladimir Putin’s arm off with a super macho handshake.
Dad Fussy After Missing His Afternoon Nap
REDMOND, OR — A lost afternoon nap threatened to ruin the entire day of local dad Stephen Hearst, who was now clinically fussy, sources said.
Beyond Meat In Financial Trouble After Public Learns Real Meat Exists
EL SEGUNDO, CA — Shareholders were briefed at an emergency meeting to address swirling rumors, as vegetarian alternative manufacturer Beyond Meat was reportedly in financial trouble after the public learned that real meat exists.
Tragic: Stranger Thinks Your Sports Team Shirt Is An Invitation To Talk To You About Sports
ESCONDIDO, CA — According to sources, local man Randy Rivera was disappointed to discover that wearing his favorite sports team’s shirt apparently served as an open invitation for any random stranger to talk to him.
11 New Artifacts Trump Ordered The Smithsonian To Display
In addition to ordering a comprehensive review of the Smithsonian museums to root out "wokeness," President Donald Trump has reportedly provided the institutions with a list of new items to display instead.
Man Tells Subway Worker He’s Looking For Something With Stopping Power That’s Compact And Easy To Conceal
WASHINGTON, D.C. — An unidentified man at a local Subway location was seen asking the Sandwich Artist on duty if they had a sandwich that has good stopping power that’s also compact and easy to conceal.
JB Pritzker Joins Police Force In Hopes Of Getting Sandwich Thrown At Him
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Illinois Governor JB Pritzker reportedly joined the fray as a law enforcement officer in the nation’s capital in hopes of getting a sandwich thrown at him.