U.S. — In its ongoing effort to make watching football as difficult as possible, the National Football League announced today that each quarter of the playoff games will be exclusively streamed on a different streaming network.
Babylon Bee
Liberals Begin Chugging Everclear At 7 A.M. To Protest RFK’s Warning Against Drinking At Breakfast
U.S. — In a powerful protest against Robert F. Kennedy Junior’s caution against drinking alcohol at breakfast, liberals have begun chugging bottles of Everclear at 7 a.m. every single morning.
Losing Football Team Excitedly Introduces New Coach Just Fired From Other Losing Football Team
U.S. — A losing football team excitedly announced today it had hired a new head coach, who was just fired from a different losing football team.
Somber Tim Walz Announces Every Daycare Center Record Sadly Perished In Last Night’s Riot
MINNEAPOLIS — A notably somber Governor Tim Walz announced that tragically, all of the state’s daycare records were destroyed by fire during last night’s riot.
Liberals Now Living In Fear Of Being Senselessly Shot By ICE Agents They’re Running Over
U.S. — Following the events in Minneapolis this past week, liberals across America are now living under the constant terror of being senselessly shot by the ICE agents they’re hitting with cars.
RED ALERT: Your Toddler Can Now Reach The Counter
RED ALERT! Everything you once believed is a lie. Your toddler is now capable of reaching your counters, and nothing in your home is safe anymore.
ICE Agents Disguise Themselves As Capitol Police So Democrats Will Defend Them
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — According to witnesses, federal ICE agents shifted their tactics slightly by donning Capitol Police uniforms so that Democrats would start defending them from being harmed.
Democrats Warn Of Chilling Effect Voter ID Will Have On Rigged Elections
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold defense of democracy, Democrats warned Americans about the chilling effect voter ID laws could have on rigged elections.
Tucker Carlson Dumbfounded Why Iranians Protesting Most Amazing Government On Planet
U.S. — Political commentator Tucker Carlson expressed confusion after learning that the Iranian people were protesting their own government, saying he was absolutely dumbfounded as to why they would rebel against the greatest government on the planet.
Somalis Demand Americans Stop Judging Them By The Content Of Their Character
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Representatives of the Somali community issued a statement demanding that Americans stop judging them by the content of their character.