U.S. — As a result of lengthy production delays, the child actors of the popular Netflix show Stranger Things have aged out of their roles, and the show has been forced to pivot, moving its setting from the suburban neighborhood and school yards of Hawkins, Indiana, to a…
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Gina Carano Settles With Disney, Will Replace Pedro Pascal In All Movies
BURBANK, CA — In the conclusion to a years-long legal battle, actress and former MMA fighter Gina Carano announced that she had reached an agreement to settle with Disney and would subsequently replace Pedro Pascal in all movies.
Pro Tip: Treat Your Depression By Going For A Run — The Misery Of Running Will Distract You From Your Depression
Are you feeling depressed? Lethargic? A new study says you may just need to go for a run, as the misery of running will distract you from your depression.
Female Umpire Ejects Player For Something He Did In Her Dream Last Night
ATLANTA, GA — The qualifications of a new female Major League Baseball umpire were called into question today as, during a simulated game the night before, she ejected a player for something he did in her dream last night.
Sound Of Husband Plopping Down On Couch Helpfully Reminds Wife There’s Something She Wanted Him To Do
TULSA, OK — Witnesses said local wife Danielle Matson perked up quickly after hearing the sound of her husband, Dave, plopping down on the couch, as it instantly reminded her of all the things she needed him to do for her.
9 Things Trump Is Doing To Get The U.S. Out Of Debt
With the country facing an astronomical deficit unlike anything previous generations could have imagined, President Donald Trump has reportedly made it a priority to take the situation more seriously and begin the hard work of getting the country out of the hole.
Trump Gerrymanders U.S. To Include Canada
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The geopolitical balance of power appeared to experience a significant shift this week, as President Donald Trump announced that he had gerrymandered the United States of America to now include Canada.
Apostles Quickly Start Acting Pious As They Notice Luke Watching And Taking Notes
PHILIPPI — A palpable change in tone and demeanor exhibited by a pair of traveling preachers was observed today, as the apostles quickly started acting more pious after they noticed their companion, Luke, watching and taking notes.
Man Would Be Awesome Dad If It Weren’t For These Rotten Kids
TREMONTON, UT — Local man Randy Carson encouraged himself this week upon realizing that he’d be the world’s most awesome dad if it weren’t for these rotten kids he has.
Trump Orders Census Takers Not To Count Anyone Wearing A Sombrero
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of an initiative to obtain a more accurate count of the nation’s population, President Donald Trump ordered U.S. census takers not to count anyone wearing a sombrero.