U.S. — The 2028 presidential race took a surprising turn this week following the events that took place in Venezuela, as the latest round of polling showed that deposed dictator Nicolas Maduro had taken the early primary lead as the most popular Democrat.
Babylon Bee
White House Announces Over 1,000,000 New Jobs Were Created In December But They Were All Filled By Marco Rubio
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced that job creation in December blew past expectations, with over one million new jobs being created in just one month. However, the unemployment rate remained unchanged, as every single one of the jobs was filled by Marco Rubio.
Game Of Candy Land Testing Dad’s Commitment To Dry January
LITTLE ROCK, AR — Local dad Matt Carver has found his commitment to doing "Dry January" severely tested by a game of Candy Land with his three-year-old daughter Kaitlyn.
Greenland Panics As Marco Rubio Seen Donning Parka
NUUK — Greenland has descended into panic after U.S. Secretary of State was photographed donning a heavy parka.
Libertarian Politician Googles ‘What Is The Absolute Dumbest Take Possible’ Before Deciding What Side Of Issue To Come Down On
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the fallout of recent events, witnesses on Capitol Hill reported seeing one Libertarian politician Googling "What is the absolute dumbest take possible?" before deciding what side of an issue to come down on.
Awkward: Biden Forced To Pay Trump The $25 Million Bounty For Capturing Maduro
WILMINGTON, DE — With the successful military operation to topple the authoritarian Venezuelan government, former President Joe Biden was notified that he was being forced to pay Donald Trump the $25 million bounty his administration had put in place for capturing Nicolas Maduro.
Parenting Tip: Limit Your Child To Just 4 Hours Of Brain Rot Slop Each Day
U.S. — Experts are now recommending parents limit their children to just four hours of brain-rotting slop each day to better prepare them for the future.
Trump In High-Speed Chase From International Cops After Breaking International Law
SOMEWHERE IN THE NEVADA DESERT — U.S. President Donald Trump was spotted fleeing from international cops in a high-speed chase after allegedly breaking international law again.
Mamdani Tunes Into ‘The View’ To Receive His Classified Morning Briefing
NEW YORK, NY — A statement from the mayor’s office confirmed Zohran Mamdani was following the situation in Venezuela very closely and would have more to report after his classified morning briefing, which he receives from watching The View.
Democrats Solemnly Remember The Only Riot They Didn’t Like
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On the anniversary of the January 6, 2021, incident at the U.S. Capitol, Democrat lawmakers gathered together once again to solemnly remember the only riot they didn’t like.