AUSTIN, TX — Texas state representatives finally reached a quorum Tuesday and adopted a congressional redistricting map in the shape of the Whataburger logo.
Babylon Bee
Secret Service In Awe As Trump Walks On Moderately Sloped Roof
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Members of the United States Secret Service were reportedly awestruck today, as they witnessed President Donald Trump performing the seemingly impossible feat of walking casually on a moderately sloped roof.
Tolkien Estate Releases New Study Version Of ‘The Silmarillion’
OXFORD — There was much rejoicing amongst the race of Men as the Tolkien Estate announced the release of a new study version of The Silmarillion.
Top 10 Quotes From Kamala’s New Book
Former Vice President Kamala Harris has written a new book about her brief presidential campaign called 107 Days, and The Babylon Bee has obtained an advance copy.
Gov. Abbott Rounds Up Posse To Lasso Dems And Drag ‘Em Back To Face Justice
AUSTIN, TX — Governor Greg Abbott reportedly formed a posse of lawmen, bounty hunters, and notable politicians to capture the ne’er-do-well Democrat lawmakers who fled the state and bring them back to Texas — Dead or Alive.
Trump Takes Back Old Position At McDonald’s To Boost Weak Jobs Report
FEASTERVILLE, PA — President Donald Trump returned to the McDonald’s in Pennsylvania, where he previously worked, to boost the country’s lackluster employment rate after the release of less-than-optimal July jobs numbers.
Democrats Declare Gerrymandering Bad Until They Need To Gerrymander Again
AUSTIN, TX — Congressional Democrats announced today that they are very much opposed to electoral gerrymandering up until the time when they will need to do it themselves, at which point they’ll support it again.
Lex Luthor Reveals To The World That Superman Is A Registered Republican
METROPOLIS — Superman is a registered Republican, as confirmed by LuthorCorp CEO Lex Luthor at a press conference on Monday.
Top 2 Greatest Things About Sydney Sweeney
With all the controversy surrounding actress Sydney Sweeney’s ad campaign for clothing retailer American Eagle, more people than ever are wondering what all the buzz is about.
Taco Yet To Meet Emotional Problem It Couldn’t Solve
LOS ANGELES, CA — Amid growing cases of stress and uncertainty around the world, one source of self-comfort once again was found to be undefeated, as one local taco admitted that it had yet to meet an emotional problem it couldn’t solve.