JERUSALEM — Recent discoveries through in-depth study of ancient texts provided new insight into a well-known biblical tale, as scholars now believe that King David’s attention was initially captured by Bathsheba’s American Eagle jeans.
Babylon Bee
Fake Indian Endorses Real Indian
NEW YORK, NY — As the race for mayor of New York intensified, one prominent candidate landed the support of another popular Democrat, as a fake Indian made a public endorsement of a real Indian.
Civilization In Turmoil As Man Fails To Tweet About Thing
SCOTTSBLUFF, NE — Civilization was feared to have been thrown into turmoil after a local man failed to tweet about the current thing.
Texas Begins Construction On Northern Border Wall To Keep Democrat Lawmakers From Returning
TEXHOMA, TX — Democratic lawmakers who fled the state to disrupt a vote on a new congressional redistricting map could soon find themselves out of a job, as Governor Greg Abbott announced the construction of a giant northern border wall designed to keep them out permanently.
Irish President Demands UN Take Military Action To Protect The Shire
DUBLIN — With outcries coming from various circles over humanitarian crises around the world, Irish President Michael Higgins made a stand and demanded that the United Nations take military action to protect the Shire.
Performance Of ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ Interrupted After Gollum Jumps On Stage
HOLLYWOOD, CA — A production of Jesus Christ Superstar was interrupted today after the creature known as Gollum hopped on stage and grabbed a microphone.
Historians Uncover Hitler Jeans Ad From 1942
BERLIN — Historians have uncovered a blue jeans ad featuring Adolf Hitler from 1942.
Pelosi Vehemently Denies Insider Trading, Says Her Husband Takes Care Of All That
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a heated exchange with CNN’s Jake Tapper, Representative Nancy Pelosi adamantly denied engaging in insider trading, stating that her husband Paul takes care of that.
Congress Postpones Ghislaine Maxwell’s Testimony Until After Her Death
WASHINGTON, D.C. — People hoping to learn any potentially new details from Jeffrey Epstein’s closest associate were disappointed, as news broke late Friday afternoon that Congress had postponed Ghislaine Maxwell’s testimony until after her death.
Doctor Strange Reveals That Across 14 Million Universes, Colbert’s Show Bombs In Every Single One
SANCTUM SANCTORUM — Doctor Stephen Strange has made known the startling revelation that across 14 million universes, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert bombs in every single one.