CINCINNATI, OH — Friday’s violent mob-style attack took social media by storm over the weekend, forcing Chief of Police Teresa Theetge to call a press conference in which she asked citizens not to film violent crimes because it makes her look bad.
Babylon Bee
American Eagle Apologizes, Replaces Sydney Sweeney With Fat Transgender Double-Amputee Of Color
PITTSBURGH, PA — Social justice warriors scored another victory today, as retail chain American Eagle issued a public apology and replaced Sydney Sweeney in its ad campaign with a fat, transgender double amputee of color.
Trump Secures 15% Tariff On Extra ‘U’ In British Spelling
U.S. — President Trump has reportedly finalized a new trade deal with the United Kingdom, securing a 15% tariff on the extra "U" in British words.
Palestinians Leave Israeli Aid A 3-Star Yelp Review
GAZA — Dissatisfied with the level of humanitarian assistance provided by Israel amid the ongoing conflict with Hamas, Palestinians collectively left the Israeli aid a lackluster 3-star Yelp review.
10 Things More Popular Than Democrats Right Now
According to a new national poll, approval ratings for the Democratic Party are at their lowest point in over 30 years, making some surprising things more popular among voters.
Man’s Comedic Genius Wasted On Grocery Store Cashier
DENVER, CO — Local man Grant Henderson reported disappointment once again at having his sharp wit and keen sense of humor completely wasted on the cashier checking out his groceries.
Bad News: A.I. Still Hasn’t Taken Your Job, So You Still Need to Work This Week
U.S. — Despite hopes to the contrary, recent news reports reveal A.I. still hasn’t replaced your job, so sadly, you still have to go to work this week.
Obama Presidential Library Design Faces Criticism
CHICAGO, IL — As the Obama Presidential Center nears completion, it has faced significant criticism for a design that many say bears a striking resemblance to Castle Grayskull.
Israel Botches Genocide With Millions In Food Aid
GAZA — In an embarrassing blunder, Israel has authorized millions of dollars in food aid to be delivered to the Gaza Strip, completely messing up their ongoing genocide.
