KNOXVILLE, TN — It’s that time of year again, when astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson renews his annual tradition of going down people’s chimneys to tell their kids that Santa isn’t real.
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Oh No! Russian Forces Invade Alaska While NORAD Distracted Tracking Santa
ANCHORAGE, AK — A military spokesman confirmed Wednesday that Russian forces launched a successful sneak attack on Alaska while everyone at North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) was busy tracking Santa’s sleigh.
‘Do You Think This Is Him?’ Asks Shepherd Pointing To Baby With Glowing Halo
BETHLEHEM — Shepherds began to believe they may have found the Christ child after discovering a baby with a glowing halo hovering above its head.
Woman Beginning To Suspect Husband Didn’t Start Shopping Till Yesterday As She Opens Can Of Dinty Moore Beef Stew
GREENVILLE, SC — Local woman Ashlynn Bagley began to suspect that her husband did all his Christmas shopping yesterday after she opened a present containing a can of Dinty Moore beef stew.
Scandal Rocks CBS News As Bari Weiss Asks Journalists To Do Journalism
U.S. — CBS News has descended into turmoil after new Editor-in-Chief Bari Weiss asked the journalists employed there to do journalism.
Dad Lives 7 Entire Lifetimes Before Rest Of Family Wakes Up
SPEARVILLE, KS — By the time his family woke up Tuesday morning, it had become clear to everyone that family patriarch Josh Billings had already lived seven full lifetimes.
Check Out These Amazing Features On The New Trump-Class Battleship
President Trump announced an exciting new Trump-class battleship that will be the largest, fastest, and most powerful battleship fleet in the world.
Dad Disappointed As Thompson Submachine Gun-Shaped Box Turns Out To Be Socks
CLEVELAND, OH — While opening a present shaped like a Tommy gun, local father Fred Reinfeld was once again disappointed to discover it was only socks.
New Photos Reveal Epstein Had A Sick Fetish For Girls With Giant Black Squares For Heads
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After the latest batch of Epstein files was released by the Department of Justice, it has become evident to everyone that Jeffrey Epstein, along with being a vile sex trafficker, had some sick fetish for girls with giant black square heads.
Man Still Doesn’t Quite Trust Anything Without Official Nintendo Seal Of Quality
RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — According to sources, local man Mark Hunter still doesn’t quite trust any product that lacks the Official Nintendo Seal of Quality.