BOULDER, CO — Federal Judge Gordon Gallagher issued an emergency ruling blocking the deportation of the terrorist Mohamed Soliman and ordering the Jewish people he burned to be set back on fire.
Babylon Bee
Worship Pastor Makes Praise Songs More Accessible By Removing All References To ‘God’ And ‘Jesus’
PLACENTIA, CA — In a move lauded by progressive Christians, a local worship pastor revealed that he had made praise songs more accessible by removing all references to God and Jesus.
8 Hacks Girls Can Use To Win Track Meets In California
It’s not easy for girls to win a track meet in California these days, what with dudes now allowed to compete. But there is hope! Here are eight hacks young ladies can use against their male competitors to still come out victorious on the track:
‘Can You Bring Me A Glass Of Water Since You’re Up?’ Wife Asks Sleeping Husband
HARRISBURG, PA — According to sources, local wife and mother Karen Milton asked her sleeping husband to get her a glass of water Tuesday night, adding that she was only asking since he was already up and about,.
Scholars Now Believe Prophet Elijah Was Caught Up Into Heaven In A Fiery 1977 Pontiac Trans Am
OXFORD — According to the distinguished scholars at Oxford University, the story of the prophet Elijah being caught up to Heaven in a fiery chariot may be inaccurate. Instead, it is more plausible that Elijah was transported in a 1977 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am.
Republicans Announce Plan To Keep Doing Opposite Of What Everyone Voted For Them To Do
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans have unveiled plans to continue doing the exact opposite of what everyone voted for them to do.
Democrats Warn Deporting Illegal Terrorist Family Could Be Slippery Slope To Deporting Other Illegal Terrorist Families
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of a growing outcry over Trump’s immigration policy, Democrats warned that deporting an illegal terrorist family could be a slippery slope to deporting other illegal terrorist families.
USS Harvey Milk To Be Renamed ‘USS No Homo’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States Navy announced this morning that the USS Harvey Milk will be officially renamed the USS No Homo.
The Lord Strengthens Elon One Last Time To Push Pillars Of Congress Over And Bring Government Crashing Down
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a merciful miracle, the Spirit of the Lord strengthened Elon one last time to push the pillars of Congress over, bringing the government crashing down.
10 Dating Red Flags Women Should Look Out For
The dating scene is tough these days. With everyone using dating apps to meet and hook up, it’s important for women to be careful about the guys they choose.