DENVER — Following an eight-game losing streak, the Colorado Rockies have been formally accused of taking performance-inhibiting drugs.
Babylon Bee
Trump Accepts Generous Gift Of Imperial-Class Star Destroyer From Emperor Palpatine
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House held a star-studded ceremony today to commemorate a historic occasion, as President Donald Trump accepted a generous gift of an Imperial-Class Star Destroyer from Emperor Palpatine.
Corinthian Church Really Hopes That Embarrassing Letter Paul Wrote About All Their Sexual Immorality Doesn’t Become Public
CORINTH — With the congregation of believers still dealing with the fallout from multiple scandals, the Corinthian church expressed hope that the letter the Apostle Paul wrote about all their sexual immorality wouldn’t become public.
Faux Pas: Man Gets Wife Something for Mother’s Day Even Though She’s Not His Mother
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Local man Jacob Masterson committed an embarrassing faux pas this morning when he gave his wife a present for Mother’s Day even though she is not his mother.
Trump Secures 18 Months Of Free Geek Squad As Part Of India-Pakistan Truce
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has successfully secured 18 months of free Geek Squad service as a condition of negotiating the end of hostilities between India and Pakistan.
Letitia James Hides From Trump DOJ By Painting Herself Bronze And Standing Very, Very Still In Times Square
NEW YORK, NY — In a desperate move to evade Trump’s Department of Justice, New York Attorney General Letitia James painted herself bronze and is standing very, very still in Times Square.
New Pope Now Second-Most Influential Christian Named ‘Bob’
WORLD — After ascending to the role of Pope this week, former Bishop Robert Prevost has now taken the title of the second most influential Christian in the world named "Bob", narrowly losing out to Bob the Tomato.
New Pope Spends First Day Undoing All Of Former Pope’s Executive Orders
VATICAN CITY — According to Vatican officials, newly elected Pope Leo XIV spent the majority of his first day on the job undoing all of the former pope’s executive orders.
Trump’s Popularity Skyrockets After He Deports All Cyclists
U.S. — Despite controversies surrounding tariffs and the defunding of dozens of large government departments, a new poll showed President Donald Trump’s popularity skyrocketed after he announced the deportation of all cyclists.
Miracle: Image Of Mary Appears In Chicago Bean
CHICAGO, IL — In an astonishing miracle that theologians said was a herald of God’s blessing upon Chicago’s own Pope Leo XIV, an image of the Virgin Mary appeared in the Chicago Bean.