U.S. — According to sources, your mom just called because she desperately needs to talk to you. She needs you to come over and fix whatever she did to the TV.
Babylon Bee
Troubling New Survey Shows 90 Percent Of Graduating High School Seniors Don’t Know The Airspeed Velocity Of An Unladen Swallow
PALO ALTO, CA — A startling new study out of Stanford University shows almost all graduating high school seniors in the U.S. are unable to recall the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.
Scholars Now Believe Number Of The Beast Is Actually 67
JERUSALEM — In a development which many see as an irrefutable sign of the impeding end times, biblical scholars and historians have reached a consensus that the Number of the Beast is actually 67.
Flintstones Vitamins With Ozempic Now Available For Fat Kids
MORRISTOWN, NJ — Drug manufacturer Bayer announced this week that they are releasing their popular Flintstones vitamins with added Ozempic to help slim down fat kids.
Teenager Struggling To Stay Awake After Only Getting 14 Hours Of Sleep
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Sources say local teenager Ben Jackson was really struggling to stay awake the day after only getting 14 hours of sleep.
Report: MAGA Now Divided Into 77,302,580 Distinct Factions
U.S. — New polling data suggests the MAGA movement has split into approximately 77,302,580 distinct factions.
New Dad-GPT Just Responds To All Queries With “OK”
SILICON VALLEY, CA — AI has become more lifelike than ever before, say advance users of OpenAI’s new "Dad-GPT," which responds to all queries with a simple "OK."
After Latest Head Injury, Fetterman Announces He’s Joining Whig Party
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After suffering yet another head injury, Senator John Fetterman announced he was joining the Whig Party.
8 Ways Trump Is Exactly Like Moses
You may think President Trump has little in common with Moses from the Old Testament, but you’d be wrong. The two are practically carbon copies of each other. Here are just eight of the ways that Trump is exactly like Moses:
Bible Scholars: Paul’s Third Letter To Corinthians Was Rejected For Clearly Being AI-Generated
OXFORD — After much deliberation, an international team of Bible scholars has recently determined that an alleged third letter of Paul to the Corinthians was rejected for being obviously AI-generated.