VATICAN CITY — Millions excitedly awaited the imminent announcement of the new Pope after smoke poured out of the Vatican this morning, only to learn it was just Cardinal Steve burning the toast again.
Babylon Bee
Easter Bunny Dead After Meeting With JD Vance
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Inside sources confirmed the grim news this morning that the Easter Bunny was found dead yesterday, having passed away only days after having a scheduled meeting with Vice President JD Vance.
White House Tells Americans To Reply ‘STOP’ If They No Longer Wish To Receive Hegseth’s Texts About Upcoming Military Strikes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House has advised every American to reply "STOP" if they no longer wish to receive texts about upcoming military strikes from Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.
CNN: Behind Closed Doors, Pope Is Still Focused, Sharp, And Energetic
VATICAN CITY — CNN journalists on the ground at the Vatican are reporting that behind closed doors, Pope Francis remains focused, sharp, and brimming with energy.
After Food Dye Ban, Fruity Pebbles To Be Changed To Whitey Pebbles
U.S. — Following news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had officially banned artificial food dyes, Post Consumer Brands announced that it would be changing its "Fruity Pebbles" cereal to the more compliant "Whitey Pebbles."
Democrats Begin Chugging Artificial Food Dyes To Protest RFK
U.S. — On the heels of news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. would be banning synthetic colors in the manufacturing of foods, Democrats across the country began chugging artificial food dyes as a bold act of protest.
For First Time In History, Supreme Court Has 5 Female Justices
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A special ceremony was scheduled to be held today to mark the historic occasion, as for the first time in history, the United States Supreme Court has five female justices.
Next Pope To Be Chosen Via Ninja Warrior Obstacle Course
ROME — Following the death of Pope Francis this week, official sources at the Vatican have confirmed that the next pope will be chosen by ninja warrior obstacle course.
10 Frontrunners To Be The Next Pope
Following the passing of Pope Francis, the Catholic Church is now deep into the process of electing a new leader. While various media outlets claim to have lists of potential candidates, only The Babylon Bee has obtained the short list of true frontrunners.
MS-13 Added To LGBTQ Acronym
U.S. — In yet another step toward the advancement of protections for all people groups, activists announced today that MS-13 had officially been added to the LGBTQ+ acronym to ensure that the rights of violent foreign gang members were recognized.