JUDEA — Saint John the Apostle has reportedly signed a lucrative six figure deal with Nike following his win against Saint Peter in a footrace to the tomb of Jesus.
Babylon Bee
Jackpot: Local Church Has Organ, Hymnals, Male Pastor
PLANO, TX — After moving to Plano and spending weeks searching for a new church home, Dan and Cyndi Badeen hit the jackpot when they walked into St. Paul’s Lutheran and found hymnals, an organ, and a male pastor.
Family Arriving For Easter Service Surprised How Different Church Looks Without The Christmas Decorations
ATLANTA, GA — As the Glennon family walked into church for Easter service today, they were caught off guard by how different the church looked without Christmas decorations.
Matt Walsh Jumps Out Of Bushes At Easter Egg Hunt To Inform The Kids Bunnies Laying Eggs Is Biologically Impossible
NASHVILLE, TN — A local community Easter egg hunt ground to a halt yesterday as conservative commentator Matt Walsh kept jumping out from nearby bushes to inform the children that it’s biologically impossible for a bunny to lay eggs.
Roman Soldier Assigned To Guard Tomb Of Some Jewish Carpenter Looking Forward To Uneventful Weekend
JERUSALEM—Local Roman soldier Plinius was given his guard assignment for the weekend and was delighted to see he'd been entrusted with guarding the tomb of "some Jewish carpenter guy," as he'd be able to get some shut-eye and have a nice, relaxing weekend.
Cain Raises $1,000,000 In Crowdfunding Donations After Killing Abel
EAST OF EDEN — Public opinion was heavily divided this week after accused murderer Cain raised $1,000,000 in crowdfunding donations after killing his brother, Abel.
UK Stabbing Suspect Pleads Muslim
LONDON — Prosecutors were stopped in their tracks this week and left with no recourse to pursue the case any further, after a suspect in a recent stabbing incident in the United Kingdom pleaded Muslim.
Liberals Warn Enforcing Immigration Law Is A Slippery Slope That May Lead To Enforcing Other Laws
U.S. — With politicians and pundits still involved in heated debates over the legality of the deportation of an MS-13 gang member, liberals warned the public that enforcing immigration law was a slippery slope that could lead to enforcing other laws.
Local Dad Has To Be Forcibly Removed From WW2 Air Museum
CHINO, CA — Local dad Daxton Colt was reportedly having an enjoyable day at the local World War II aviation museum before he was forcibly removed from the premises for staying way past the normal open visiting hours of 10:00AM to 4:00PM.
Catholic Scholars Confirm Purgatory Consists Of Helping Third Graders With Math For Hundreds Of Years
VATICAN CITY — Distinguished canon law scholars in the Roman Catholic church have just confirmed that Purgatory consists of helping 3rd-graders with their math homework for hundreds of years.