DEARBORN HEIGHTS, MI — In what experts described as a major step toward a greater level of inclusivity for law enforcement agencies across the country, one Michigan police department announced that it would help Muslim immigrants feel more welcome by having its officers wear suicide vests while out…
Babylon Bee
Ford Introduces Pumpkin Spice F-150
DEABORN, MI — Just in time for fall, motorists found out that they were in for a special seasonal treat, as the Ford Motor Company introduced the limited edition Pumpkin Spice F-150 pickup truck.
10 Other Departments Trump Is Renaming
The Department of Defense is officially being renamed the Department of War, but President Trump isn’t going to stop there. A long list of government agencies is set to get the same treatment.
Sad: Kids Find A Secret World Behind Old Wardrobe, But It’s Just Toledo, Ohio
TOLEDO, OH — In a disappointing turn of events, four young siblings exploring their grandmother’s attic stumbled upon a magical wardrobe that promised a fantastical adventure, only to discover it led to Toledo, Ohio instead.
British Refugees Travel To North Korea In Search Of Freedom
PYONGYANG — A group of oppressed people arrived in a new land in hopes of making a better life for themselves, as a ship filled with British refugees traveled to North Korea in search of freedom.
Colbert’s Dancing Vaccines Called To Testify At RFK Jr. Senate Hearing
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Interest in the Senate Finance Committee’s questioning of the Health and Human Services Secretary reached a new high today, as Stephen Colbert’s dancing vaccines were called to testify at Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s hearing.
Calvinist NFL Preview: Each Team Shall Win The Games They Were Predestined To Win
U.S. — In anticipation of what promised to be a highly competitive pro football season, Calvinist sports analysts at The Babylon Bee predicted that each NFL team would win the games they were predestined to win by the Creator.
Trump Announces He’s Outsourcing Space Force Headquarters To India
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump made a surprise announcement this week that he was outsourcing the United States Space Force operations to India and moving its headquarters to Kolkata.
Man Who Needs To Wake Up Early Sets Dog To Vomit At 5:00 AM
DENVER, CO — Struggling to find a way to get up early to make it in to work on time, a local man decided to go with the foolproof method of setting his dog to vomit at 5:00 AM.
British Authorities Warn There Is A Man Loose On The Streets Threatening To Share An Opinion
LONDON — Authorities warned British citizens of widespread reports of a dangerous man loose on the streets, threatening to share an opinion.