Get a load of this idiot white-knight SIMP trying to save a princess from a dragon. What a beta male!
Babylon Bee
Texas Bans Sale Of Assault Rifles With Capacity Of Less Than 30 Rounds
AUSTIN, TX — In a landmark move for the state, the Texas legislature overwhelmingly passed a bill to ban the sale of assault rifles that have a capacity of less than 30 rounds.
‘Man, People Are Going To LOVE Reading This One,’ Says Moses While Writing Leviticus
MOUNT SINAI — Hot off the success of Genesis and Exodus, Moses expressed confidence that everyone would love his follow-up work, Leviticus.
Republicans Vow To Get Really Serious About Cutting Spending In Like 20 Or 30 Years
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an inspiring show of commitment to the American people, congressional Republicans pledged to get really serious about cutting government spending in like 20 or 30 years.
China Trade War Update: Trump Classifies Panda Express As Domestic Terror Organization
U.S. — Following dueling tariff increases heading into the weekend, no end to the trade war between China and the United States was in sight, with the latest reports indicating that President Donald Trump had taken the situation up a notch by designating Panda Express as a domestic…
Man Can’t Wait For America To Finally Be Great Again So He Can Stop Wearing Itchy Trucker Hat
TUSTIN, CA — Louis Silverton, a longtime supporter of President Trump, says he can’t wait for America to finally be great again so he can stop wearing this itchy trucker hat.
Protesters Remain Unaffected By Trump’s Shower Head Deregulation
U.S. — According to sources, leftist protesters around the nation remain totally unaffected by President Donald Trump’s deregulation of shower heads.
Israelite King Would Just Once Like Prophets To Say God Is Pleased and Everything Is Dandy
SAMARIA — According to insiders, King Ahab of Israel lamented a recent meeting he had with the prophet Elijah, admitting that just once he would like the prophets to say God is pleased and that everything is fine and dandy.
Local Man Can’t Wait To Get Out There And Suck At Golf Again
LEAWOOD, KS — The warmer spring temperatures sweeping across the nation were met with excitement, as a local man told everyone he saw that he couldn’t wait to get out there and suck at golf again.
Democrats Worried Trump May Not Have China’s Best Interests At Heart
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As public debate intensified over the growing global trade uncertainty, prominent Democrats expressed concern that President Trump may not have China’s best interests at heart.