DALLAS, TX — As part of a company-wide initiative to increase revenue and provide a greater level of comfort for its passengers, Southwest Airlines announced that, effective immediately, your mom would be required to charter the entire plane to accommodate her.
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Travis Kelce Finally Acquires Ring Without Help Of Referees
U.S. — Travis Kelce, long-time tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs, has finally acquired an expensive ring without the help of NFL referees.
Instant Sainthood: Man Installs Car Seat Without Cussing
ST. LOUIS, MO — Witnesses report that Micah Rupe was granted instant sainthood after he properly installed a car seat without cussing even once.
Travis Kelce Says He’ll Write His Own Wedding Vows as Soon as He Learns How to Spell ‘Psyched’
LEAWOOD, KS — Football star Travis Kelce will reportedly write his own vows for his upcoming wedding to American pop star Taylor Swift just as soon as he learns how to spell "psyched".
Trump Vows To Nationalize As Many Private Companies As It Takes To Defeat Socialism
WASHINGTON, DC — President Donald Trump announced this week his administration plans on nationalizing as many private businesses and companies as possible in order to fight socialism.
Human Trafficker Says It’s Inhumane To Be Trafficked To Another Country
BALTIMORE, MD — As the public debate continued to rage over the Trump administration’s immigration policies, one human trafficker asked for the government to reconsider deporting him on the grounds that it is inhumane to be trafficked to another country.
Trump Unveils Giant Cannon For Faster, More Entertaining Deportations
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump delighted the nation this week, unveiling plans for a giant cannon that he hopes will facilitate faster, more entertaining deportations.
Taylor Swift Engagement Overturned As Referee Determines Travis Kelce’s Knee Didn’t Touch The Ground
U.S. — Taylor Swift’s love story came to an abrupt end after a referee jumped out of the bushes following her engagement to football player Travis Kelce and overturned the proposal.
British Authorities Arrest St. George For Brandishing Bladed Weapon At Dragon
AMBLESIDE, ENGLAND — British authorities have arrested a man calling himself Saint George after he brandished a dangerous bladed weapon at a local dragon, which was merely minding its own business of terrorizing the local populace.
Genius Trump Enacts Plan To Dumb Down Chinese Population By Inviting Them To Attend American Universities
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another genius move designed to weaken a rival nation, President Donald Trump enacted a plan to dumb down the Chinese population by inviting them to attend American universities.