DENVER, CO — Middle Manager Colin Mears slowly realized today that the last 8 months of his career could have just been a single email.
Babylon Bee
Terrified Luigi Mangione Files Restraining Order Against Taylor Lorenz
BROOKLYN, NY — After a recent interview aired on CNN in which Taylor Lorenz fawned over the accused murderer like a giddy schoolgirl, Luigi Mangione immediately filed for a restraining order to keep Taylor Lorenz at least 100 yards away from him at all times.
Gretchen Whitmer Sneaks Into White House Again
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Days after she was unexpectedly caught meeting with President Trump in the Oval Office, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer reportedly sneaked back into the White House on Monday in far less conspicuous attire.
Donkey Entering Jerusalem Glad To Be Finally Getting Recognition He Deserves
JERUSALEM — As crowds waved palm branches and laid down their cloaks for him to walk on, a local donkey was thankful to finally be getting the recognition he always felt he deserved.
Concentration Camp Prisoners Concerned China Being Bullied By America
XINJIANG PROVINCE — Prisoners in the notorious Xinjiang concentration camp have expressed deep concern about America being such a mean bully to China.
Life Hack: Get Real Starbucks Taste At Home By Dumping Hot Water Over Cigarette Ashes
Ever wished you could recreate that signature Starbucks coffee taste at home? You can! It’s easy, inexpensive, and best of all, tastes just like Starbucks. All you need is a pot of hot water and a heaping mound of cigarette ashes.
7 Surprising Findings From Trump’s Physical
President Trump completed his annual physical at Walter Reed yesterday, earning a clean bill of health — but with a few surprises along the way. Here are the seven most shocking findings from Trump’s exam:
Apple Warns China Tariffs Could Negatively Impact Child Slave Employment Opportunities
CUPERTINO, CA — Apple CEO Tim Cook warned today that heavy tariffs on Chinese imports could have a severe negative effect on employment opportunities for child slaves.
9 Things More Exciting Than Watching Golf
Thousands of people have gathered in Augusta, Georgia, this weekend to watch the Masters Tournament, with millions more set to spend their weekends watching it on television. While few things can match the frenzy and thrill of watching golf, they do exist.
‘Minecraft’ Revealed To Be Psyop To Prepare Kids For Return Of American Coal Mines
U.S. — It was revealed Friday that the popular video game Minecraft is an elaborate PSYOP orchestrated by the CIA to prepare kids for the return of American coal mining.