MINNEAPOLIS — A notably somber Governor Tim Walz announced that tragically, all of the state’s daycare records were destroyed by fire during last night’s riot.
Babylon Bee
Liberals Now Living In Fear Of Being Senselessly Shot By ICE Agents They’re Running Over
U.S. — Following the events in Minneapolis this past week, liberals across America are now living under the constant terror of being senselessly shot by the ICE agents they’re hitting with cars.
RED ALERT: Your Toddler Can Now Reach The Counter
RED ALERT! Everything you once believed is a lie. Your toddler is now capable of reaching your counters, and nothing in your home is safe anymore.
ICE Agents Disguise Themselves As Capitol Police So Democrats Will Defend Them
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — According to witnesses, federal ICE agents shifted their tactics slightly by donning Capitol Police uniforms so that Democrats would start defending them from being harmed.
Democrats Warn Of Chilling Effect Voter ID Will Have On Rigged Elections
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold defense of democracy, Democrats warned Americans about the chilling effect voter ID laws could have on rigged elections.
Tucker Carlson Dumbfounded Why Iranians Protesting Most Amazing Government On Planet
U.S. — Political commentator Tucker Carlson expressed confusion after learning that the Iranian people were protesting their own government, saying he was absolutely dumbfounded as to why they would rebel against the greatest government on the planet.
Somalis Demand Americans Stop Judging Them By The Content Of Their Character
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Representatives of the Somali community issued a statement demanding that Americans stop judging them by the content of their character.
Democrats Say Things Would Be Much Safer If Law Enforcement Would Just Stop Trying To Enforce The Law
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following recent ICE-related shootings, Democrat leaders stepped forward to remind the nation that everything would be much safer if law enforcement would just stop enforcing the law.
Anthropologists Discover Uncontacted Tribe In Remote Area Of IKEA
COSTA MESA, CA — A team of anthropologists hard at work completing a field study announced that they had discovered a previously uncontacted native tribe in a remote area of IKEA.
With Maduro In Custody, Here Are 7 Other People Trump Should Arrest Immediately
President Donald Trump ordered the arrest of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro, toppling a brutal totalitarian regime. But he’s only getting started.