INDIANAPOLIS, IN — The WNBA has officially launched an investigation into a possible hate crime following a formal complaint by Chicago Sky player Angel Reese, who claimed that an orange metal noose was found on the court.
Babylon Bee
The Babylon Bee Would Like To Announce We Are Joining NPR In Suing The Government For Not Giving Us Millions Of Dollars
The Babylon Bee would like to announce that we have officially joined National Public Radio in suing the government for not giving us tens of millions of dollars.
Theology Update: Bible Scholars Now Believe The ‘P’ in ‘Psalms’ Not Supposed To Be Silent
CAMBRIDGE — A new theological discovery shook up modern Christianity this week, as Bible scholars revealed evidence that led them to believe that the "P" in "Psalms" was not supposed to be silent.
Success Of ‘Lilo & Stitch’ Teaches Disney Important Lesson To Just Keep Pumping Out Live-Action Remakes Forever
BURBANK, CA — Walt Disney Studios announced Monday that all lessons learned from the disastrous release of Disney’s Snow White have been affectively unlearned thanks to the box office success of Lilo & Stitch.
California Unveils Massive New Escape Room Called ‘California’
SACRAMENTO, CA — In an effort to simultaneously deal with the state’s residents attempting to stage a mass exodus and capitalize on the popularity of fun group party activities, California unveiled a massive new escape room called "California."
The Babylon Bee Has Acquired The Starbucks Employee Union List Of Demands
The fate of the world was left hanging in the balance when Starbucks employees went on strike, holding the company over the proverbial barrel with a long list of demands. The willingness of Starbucks management to give in could very well determine the survival of human civilization.
Trump Responds To Putin’s Charge Of Him Being Emotional With An All-Caps Tweet
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tensions stemming from the ongoing negotiations between Russia and Ukraine to bring the years-long war to an end threatened to boil over once again, as President Donald Trump responded to Vladimir Putin’s charge of him being emotional with an all-caps social media post.
Biden, Macron Team Up To Form Support Group For Battered And Abused World Leaders
WORLD — Joe Biden has found a new purpose in his post-presidential years, having formed a new support group for battered and abused world leaders with French President Emmanuel Macron.
South African President Says Skulls Of Murdered White Farmers Just Halloween Decorations
CAPE TOWN — In response to public outcry accusing the country’s regime of engaging in genocide, South African President Cyril Ramaphosa assured people that skulls of murdered white farmers were just Halloween decorations.
Man Honors Fallen Soldiers By Purchasing Refrigerator At Incredible Discount
DALLAS, TX — Local man Jim Reese honored the fallen this Memorial Day by purchasing a Whirlpool refrigerator at an incredible 47% discount.
French President Macron Claims He Fell Down The Stairs Again
HANOI — Rumors about a potential domestic spat that may have turned ugly were put to rest today, as French President Emmanuel Macron assured reporters that he had just fallen down some stairs again.
Oh No: Phil Robertson Greeted In Heaven By 12 Million Angry Ducks
HEAVEN — Church elder and Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson came face to face with consequences this week after he was caught up to paradise, where 12 million angry ducks awaited him.
Veterans Brace For Onslaught Of ‘Happy Memorial Day’ Greetings
U.S. — As families across the country prepared to enjoy a day of food, fun, and frivolity, America’s military veterans braced themselves for the annual onslaught of "Happy Memorial Day" greetings.
Nicolas Cage Launches New Streaming Service Nicolas Cage+ That Has Nothing But Nicolas Cage Movies
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Nicolas Cage announced this week that he will be starting his own streaming service called Nicolas Cage+, which will exclusively stream the vast library of Nicolas Cage movies.
Local Couple Searching For Church Where No One Will Use The Phrase ‘Love On You’
PADUCAH, KY — Local couple Matt and Emily Childs continued their long-running search today for a church where no one will ever use the phrase "love on you."
10 Biggest Plot Holes In Star Wars
It’s no secret we at the Babylon Bee love Star Wars, but let’s be honest: there are several glaring plot holes. Here are the ten biggest:
Midwesterner Arrested For Squeezing Past Someone Without Saying ‘Ope!’
DULUTH, MN — Local midwestern man Dave Netters was arrested for squeezing past someone at a grocery store without saying the obligatory "Ope!"
ChatGPT Announced As Harvard Valedictorian
CAMBRIDGE, MA — ChatGPT has been officially crowned as the valedictorian of Harvard University.
Experts Confirm You Are The Only Person On Earth Who Can Safely Text And Drive
BOSTON,MA — A recent meta-analysis by researchers at the National Traffic Safety Institute revealed that no one in the world is capable of safely texting and driving except for you.
Trump Demands To See Bruce Springsteen’s Birth Certificate To Prove He Was Born In The U.S.A.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to years of sharp criticism from the legendary music icon, President Donald Trump demanded to see Bruce Springsteen’s birth certificate to prove he was born in the U.S.A.
Trump’s 50% Tariff on European Union Decried as ‘Islamophobic’
WORLD — World leaders condemned today’s declaration by President Donald Trump imposing a 50% tariff on imports from the European Union, asserting that it was a blatant display of Islamaphobia.
Why Does Ed Sheeran Look Like That? We Present Our Best Theories
Ballad singer Ed Sheeran is known for his romantic and suggestive songs, but why does he look like that? This question has puzzled people for years.
Opinion: A.I. Could Put Artists, Actors, and Writers Out of Jobs, But It Could Do Bad Things As Well
If you’ve been keeping up with the news for the past few years, you’ve certainly come across concerns about the things that A.I. could do. For instance, it’s very possible that the powerful new A.I. language models could put artists, actors, and writers out of a job. But…
Man Clarifies That ‘Free Palestine’ Means Palestinians Should Be Free To Kill The Jews
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A man arrested outside the Capital Jewish Museum in the downtown area reportedly sought to clarify that he was under the impression that the slogan "Free Palestine" really just means that Palestinians should be "free" to kill all the Jews.
Man Considers Himself A Hacker After Guessing His Own Gmail Password On 3rd Try
NEWPORT BEACH, CA — Local man Harold Dermott initially struggled to access his Gmail on Friday, but after correctly guessing his password on his third try, now considers himself a bona fide hacker.
Trump Insists Next Chinese Pandemic Must Be Made In America
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another stage in the escalating trade conflict with China, President Donald Trump issued a statement insisting that the next Chinese pandemic be made in America.
Wife Confident Just One More Stanley Cup Will Fill God-Shaped Hole In Her Heart
FORT WORTH, TX — Local wife and mother Sienna Danner already has a collection of 70 Stanley tumblers, but expressed confidence that just one more might be exactly what she needed to fill the God-shaped hole in her heart.
Christian Nationalist Asks St. Peter To Direct Him To ‘Whites-Only’ Section Of Heaven
PEARLY GATES — According to Heavenly sources, Saint Peter had an unexpected run-in this week with a self-proclaimed Christian nationalist, who asked the apostle to kindly direct him to the "whites-only" section of Heaven.
Announcement: The Babylon Bee Is Now A Full-Service Restaurant And All Our Writers Are Compensated Entirely With Tips
ANNOUNCEMENT: The Babylon Bee is no longer a satire website. After months of strategy meetings and lots of thinking really hard, we have decided to pivot to becoming a full-service restaurant empire. In light of this change, all our writers and other staffers will now be known as…
Report: Somewhere In Alternate Universe President Ron Paul Overseeing America’s Next Golden Age
WASHINGTON, D.C., EARTH 741 — Recently obtained reports indicated that, somewhere in a parallel universe, President of the United States Ron Paul was currently overseeing the dawn of America’s next golden age.