NEW YORK, NY — A major shakeup sent shockwaves across the NFL following the first week of the new season, as the league fired the officiating crew that allowed the Kansas City Chiefs to lose their season opener.
Babylon Bee
Democrats Condemn Stabbing Victims For Inflating Crime Numbers
CHARLOTTE, NC — Democratic lawmakers responded to the fatal stabbing of a Ukrainian refugee aboard the Charlotte light rail be condemning all stabbing victims for inflating crime numbers.
WNBA Fans Out For Season
U.S. — All WNBA fans have officially been ruled out for the remainder of the 2025 season.
On Heels Of Second Bad Job Report, Trump Fires Math
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of the second consecutive poor monthly jobs report, President Trump has announced that he will be firing math and numbers.
Shocking: Philly Sports Fan Acts Like Philly Sports Fan
PHILADELPHIA, PA — The nation is in shock today after a widely-circulated video showing a Philly sports fan acting like a Philly sports fan.
Michigan Police Help Muslim Immigrants Feel Welcome By Wearing Suicide Vests
DEARBORN HEIGHTS, MI — In what experts described as a major step toward a greater level of inclusivity for law enforcement agencies across the country, one Michigan police department announced that it would help Muslim immigrants feel more welcome by having its officers wear suicide vests while out…
Ford Introduces Pumpkin Spice F-150
DEABORN, MI — Just in time for fall, motorists found out that they were in for a special seasonal treat, as the Ford Motor Company introduced the limited edition Pumpkin Spice F-150 pickup truck.
10 Other Departments Trump Is Renaming
The Department of Defense is officially being renamed the Department of War, but President Trump isn’t going to stop there. A long list of government agencies is set to get the same treatment.
Sad: Kids Find A Secret World Behind Old Wardrobe, But It’s Just Toledo, Ohio
TOLEDO, OH — In a disappointing turn of events, four young siblings exploring their grandmother’s attic stumbled upon a magical wardrobe that promised a fantastical adventure, only to discover it led to Toledo, Ohio instead.
British Refugees Travel To North Korea In Search Of Freedom
PYONGYANG — A group of oppressed people arrived in a new land in hopes of making a better life for themselves, as a ship filled with British refugees traveled to North Korea in search of freedom.
Colbert’s Dancing Vaccines Called To Testify At RFK Jr. Senate Hearing
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Interest in the Senate Finance Committee’s questioning of the Health and Human Services Secretary reached a new high today, as Stephen Colbert’s dancing vaccines were called to testify at Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s hearing.
Calvinist NFL Preview: Each Team Shall Win The Games They Were Predestined To Win
U.S. — In anticipation of what promised to be a highly competitive pro football season, Calvinist sports analysts at The Babylon Bee predicted that each NFL team would win the games they were predestined to win by the Creator.
Trump Announces He’s Outsourcing Space Force Headquarters To India
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump made a surprise announcement this week that he was outsourcing the United States Space Force operations to India and moving its headquarters to Kolkata.
Man Who Needs To Wake Up Early Sets Dog To Vomit At 5:00 AM
DENVER, CO — Struggling to find a way to get up early to make it in to work on time, a local man decided to go with the foolproof method of setting his dog to vomit at 5:00 AM.
British Authorities Warn There Is A Man Loose On The Streets Threatening To Share An Opinion
LONDON — Authorities warned British citizens of widespread reports of a dangerous man loose on the streets, threatening to share an opinion.
More Winning: Trump Bombs Ship Smuggling 30,000 Kilos Of Pumpkin Spice
U.S. — In the latest in an ongoing streak of victories that experts predicted would significantly improve the lives of Americans, President Donald Trump announced that he had ordered the U.S. military to bomb a ship smuggling over 30,000 kilos of illegal pumpkin spice.
Hunter Biden Tells Dad He Going To Need A New Boat
REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — Hunter Biden informed his father today that, due to an unexpected malfunction, he is going to be needing a new boat.
9 Most Surprising Things You Can Get Arrested For In The UK
Authorities in the UK are cracking down on just about everything these days, but some of the things that can get you in trouble may surprise you.
Osama Bin Laden Getting Real Friggin’ Tired Of Not Getting Credit for 9/11
THE INFERNO — In a stunning tell-all interview from the bowels of Hell, Osama bin Laden said he is getting really friggin’ sick and tired of not getting credit for 9/11.
Family Picture Once Again Ruined By Aiden
CINCINNATI, OH — According to preliminary reports from the ground, yet another one of the Grayson’s family photos has been totally by Aiden.
Navy Recruitment Soars After Going Back To Blowing Up Pirates
U.S. — Recruitment for the United States Navy has soared overnight after going back to its roots of blowing up pirates.
Trump Invites Doubting Democrats To Touch The Hole In His Ear
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump laid rumors of health decline to rest yesterday by inviting doubting Democrats to come forward and touch the hole in his ear.
Stubborn Trump Refuses To Admit He’s Dead
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a statement from the Oval Office, President Trump stubbornly refused to admit that he died this past weekend.
Sad: Wife’s Story Once Again Interrupts Lord Of The Rings Soundtrack Playing In Man’s Head
TACOMA, WA — Local husband Jeremy Wright had his internal Lord Of The Rings soundtrack interrupted once again by his wife telling one of her stories about something or whatever.
Woke Jesus Is Now A Web Series!
That lovable ragamuffin Woke Jesus is at it again in a brand-new web series appearing only on Bee Minus. Episodes 1 and 2 are available for free on YouTube, but future episodes will be exclusive to the Bee Minus video platform.
7 Most Dangerous Effects Of Artificial Dyes
RFK, Jr. is on the war path and he’s taking all the artificial food dyes with him. But why? We consulted with the world’s finest doctors to learn why artificial dyes are so dangerous.
Kids Beg Dad To Please Stop Referring To Them As ‘Fruit Of My Loins’
MILES CITY, MT — Three local children reportedly called on their father to please stop referring to them as the fruit of his loins, citing untold embarrassment.
10 Irrefutable Signs Trump’s Health Is Declining
Speculation has been swirling about President Donald Trump’s health, with some people even spreading wild rumors that he died over the weekend. What’s the real story?
Jerry Nadler Forced To Retire From Congress After Being Fully Consumed By His Own Pants
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a day political insiders feared but knew was inevitable, Representative Jerry Nadler was forced to retire from the U.S. Congress after being fully consumed by his own pants.
Pregnant Celebrity Mom Delighted To Announce Unborn Baby Is Trans
BEVERLY HILLS, CA — At a lavish gender reveal party attended by Hollywood elite, a popular young celebrity announced that her unborn baby is trans.