U.S. — The winds of change in America were met with a new obstacle today, as self-professed members of the "Resistance" were upset to hear that the federal government was getting smaller.
Babylon Bee
Metadata Shows Epstein Footage Was Edited In ‘Mario Paint’
NEW YORK, NY — In news that sent the social media conspiracy theorist sphere into a frenzy, experts reported that the metadata from the security camera video released by the Department of Justice showed that the footage outside Jeffrey Epstein’s prison cell had been edited using Mario Paint.
Mattel Announces ICE Agent Ken Doll
EL SEGUNDO, CA — In a renewed effort to make inroads with conservative families in the wake of concerns over previous "woke" products, toy manufacturer Mattel announced a new ICE Agent Ken doll.
St. Peter Learning A Lot About The Bible From This John MacArthur Fellow
HEAVEN — Saint Peter is now learning a lot about the Bible from this John MacArthur fellow who just arrived in Heaven this week.
Long Line For Bathroom As There’s Only One Fire Hydrant Outside Furry Convention
DENVER, CO — Logistical challenges quickly presented themselves at a local gathering of alternative lifestyle enthusiasts, as a long line for the bathroom developed because there was only one fire hydrant outside the furry convention.
Newsom Founds Underground Railroad To Help Mexican Kids Travel To Work The Marijuana Farms
SACRAMENTO, CA — An inspiring story emerged amid the ongoing immigration controversy, as Governor Gavin Newsom founded an Underground Railroad to help Mexican kids travel to work on California’s marijuana farms.
Staff Politely Inform JD Vance The Park Is Closing And He’ll Have To Get Off Ariel’s Undersea Adventure Now
ANAHEIM, CA — A moment of awkwardness arose over the weekend, as Disneyland staff had to politely inform JD Vance that the park was closing and he would have to get off Ariel’s Undersea Adventure now.
Biden’s Teleprompter Assures Nation It Approved All Autopen Decisions
WASHINTON, D.C. — Former President Joe Biden’s teleprompter cleared up some recent controversy in a statement it released Monday, stating it personally approved of all the autopen pardons during the Biden presidency."I personally and single-handedly approved every pardon signed by the autopen machine," The teleprompter said in yellow…
Life Hack: Do Whatever Despicable Thing You Want, And When People Call You Out, Just Hit ‘Em With The ‘Judge Not’
Have you ever wanted to put those pesky Christians in their place? Better yet, are you a person who claims to be a Christian, but you want to just live however you want without any accountability or correction from other Christians? An amazing new life hack could do…
Buckle Up, Amigos: Dad Just Put On His Headlamp
Buckle up, Amigos. Things are about to get real up in here.
Justice Roberts Gives KBJ A Magna Doodle To Keep Her Busy During Oral Arguments
WASHINGTON, D.C. — To avoid further controversy over her unorthodox lines of questioning and uninformed opinions on Supreme Court cases, Chief Justice John Roberts reportedly gave Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson a Magnadoodle to keep her busy during oral arguments.
Elmo Leads Division Of Panzers Across Polish Border
SZCZECIN — A Europe that was already on the brink of war seemed poised to boil over into chaos on Monday, as news broke that Elmo had led a division of Panzer tanks across the Polish border.
Bear On California State Flag Moves To Texas
SACRAMENTO, CA — A piece of the Golden State’s heritage was lost today, as the iconic grizzly bear that had adorned the California state flag announced that he had officially moved to Texas.
Trump Honors Gay Community By Attending Soccer Match
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — In what political experts said was a bold move to reach across ideological boundaries, President Donald Trump honored the gay community by attending a soccer match.
150-Pound Jabba The Hut Denies Using Ozempic
TATOOINE — Despite rumors circulating that the infamous gangster had transformed his look with the help of the trendy weight-loss drug, the now 150-pound Jabba the Hutt issued a public statement denying the use of Ozempic.
CNN Marks One-Year Anniversary Of Trump Falling Down After Loud Popping Noises
U.S. — CNN took time out of its broadcast today to mark the one-year anniversary of the time President Trump fell over at a rally after some loud popping noises.
Study Confirms It’s All Steve’s Fault
COLUMBUS, OH — Researchers at The Ohio State University have concluded a decades-long study that confirms once and for all that it really is all Steve’s fault.
Christians Decide To Put Aside Their Petty Differences And Unite For The Gospel (Haha Just Kidding We’re Fighting Each Other Online)
WORLD — Christians across the globe have decided to put aside their petty differences and unite for the greater purpose of sharing the Gospel of Jesus with the world. Just joshing! They’re actually fighting each other online.
Iran Posts Image Showcasing Its Clean, Peaceful Nuclear Energy Program
TEHRAN – The Iranian government posted an image to social media this afternoon to showcase its clean, peaceful nuclear program.
8 Ingenious New Life Hacks Discovered By Gen Z
Generation Z is hitting the work force, and these young whipper snappers have uncovered some of the most brilliant life hacks you can imagine. Here are eight of their most ingenious discoveries:
Chip & Joanna Gaines Introduce New Line Of Pride-Themed Shiplap
WACO, TX — Famed HGTV stars Chip and Joanna Gaines announced today that their "Magnolia" company would be introducing a line of rainbow shiplap.
Scientist At 7th Jurassic Park Asks If Maybe They Should Just Make Papier-Mâché Dinosaurs This Time
JURASSIC PARK — A scientist working on the seventh iteration of Jurassic Park asked his bosses today if perhaps they should consider making the dinosaurs out of papier-mâché this time.
Progress: A.I. Now Only Racist Against Italians
SUNNYVALE, CA — In a clear sign of progress, developers confirmed that A.I. was now only racist against Italians.
Malfunction As Animatronic Trump Keeps Rounding Up All The Mexican Guests And Deporting Them From Disney World
ORLANDO, FL — What began as a normal day at the Magic Kingdom descended into a near-riot atmosphere, as — due to a malfunction — The Hall of Presidents’ animatronic Donald Trump kept rounding up all of the Mexican guests and attempting to deport them from Disney World.
Dumbledore Starting To Wonder If Having A House Filled With Racist Murderers Named After Snakes Such A Good Idea
HOGWARTS — Headmaster Albus Dumbledore admitted he was beginning to question the sensibility of having an entire house of students named after an evil snake that’s dedicated to perpetuating racist ideas and destroying Hogwarts.
Life’s Struggles Causing Atheist To Lose His Faith In The Existence Of Nothing
BOSTON, MA — Local atheist and president of The Enlightened Rationalist Guild of Supreme Cognition (ERGSC) Steve Wimbly admitted to several close friends that recent struggles had shaken his faith in the existence of nothing.
MTG Press Conference On Cloud Seeding Interrupted By Tornado
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Chaos ensued outside the U.S. Capitol yesterday, as Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene’s press conference on cloud seeding was suddenly interrupted by a massive tornado.
Gavin Newsom Declares California A Sanctuary State For Child Slavery
SACRAMENTO, CA — In the latest front on his war against the Trump administration’s immigration policies, Governor Gavin Newsom officially declared California a sanctuary state for child slavery.
Pam Bondi Confirms Greedo Shot First
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following an extensive investigation, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi held a press conference to announce that the Department of Justice had officially confirmed that Greedo shot first.
New White Sox City Connect Jerseys Feature Bullet Holes, Realistic Blood Splatter
CHICAGO, IL — White Sox fans were going wild for their team’s brand-new Citty Connect Jerseys, which vividly reflect life in Chi-Town with realistic bullet holes and blood splatters.