WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bit of uplifting news today, a group of senile senior citizens in the D.C. area will finally be able to say that they have jobs.
Babylon Bee
Aw Crap: You’re In Line To Give An Account Of Your Life To God Right After Tim Tebow
HEAVEN — After throwing off this mortal coil, local man Kevin Reese was prepared to give an account of his life to God, only to find himself in line right behind Tim Tebow.
With Most Players Arrested For Gambling, Air Bud Finally Called Up To NBA
MIAMI, FL — Now that a majority of players have been arrested on charges of illegal sports gambling, the Miami Heat announced that the golden retriever affectionately known as "Air Bud" had finally been called up to play in the NBA.
St. Peter Getting Tired of Answering Questions About The Nephilim
PEARLY GATES — Heavenly sources confirmed that Saint Peter had grown weary running the front desk of Heaven due to the number of questions he continually received about the Nephilim.
Olympics Change Trans Policies After Watching Old ‘Mister Rogers’ Episode
LAUSANNE — The International Olympic Committee (IOC) formally revoked the right of transgender athletes to participate in sporting events of the gender they identify with after watching an old episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.
Banks Now Requiring Your Grandkids To Co-Sign Your 50-Year Mortgage
U.S. — Banks across the United States announced today that they would now require an applicant’s grandkids to co-sign on a 50-year mortgage "just in case."
Freshman At Bible College Getting Worried As He Still Hasn’t Found A Wife Yet
PENSACOLA, FL — As the end of his first semester at the local Bible college loomed ever nearer, freshman Jed Clines started to worry about his prospects of ever winning a wife.
Latest Tucker Guest Bigfoot Reveals How Mind-Controlling Chemtrails Are Sprayed Over The Flat Earth By The Jews
WOODSTOCK, ME — Political commentator Tucker Carlson sparked controversy this week when he welcomed Bigfoot onto his show to discuss how mind-controlling chemtrails are sprayed over the flat earth by the Jews.
Auschwitz Guard Explains He Doesn’t Hate Jews Or Anything, Just Zionists
OŚWIĘCIM — Jews on their way to their imminent deaths reportedly overheard a guard at the Auschwitz-Birkenau Death Camp, later identified as Maximilian Mulka, rejecting claims that he hated Jewish people, saying, "I don’t hate the Jews or anything, just Zionists."
Fans Can’t Believe How Much Rock Singer Has Aged In The Last 50 Years
LAS VEGAS, NV — Following a recent performance by a legendary band of their greatest hits, fans posted online about how they couldn’t believe how much the lead singer had aged in the last 50 years.