BROKEN BOW, OK — In a beautiful scene, fellow Pop-Tarts gathered on a kitchen table this morning to bow down and pay homage to a box of Brown Sugar Cinnamon, undisputed king of the Pop-Tarts.
Babylon Bee
Trump Challenges Danish Prime Minister To Ping Pong Match, Winner Gets Greenland
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has officially challenged Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen to a ping pong match, winner takes Greenland.
Trump Holds Oval Office Summit With Prominent Muslim Leader
WASHINGTON, D.C — According to sources, President Donald Trump met with a prominent Muslim leader in the Oval Office on Friday to discuss the ongoing protests and unrest in Iran.
To Save Time, Journalists Now Only Reporting On Any Free Agents The Dodgers Did Not Sign
U.S. — To improve efficiency with their time management, sports journalists covering Major League Baseball announced that they would now only report on any free agents the Los Angeles Dodgers do not sign to their team.
9 Easy Ways To Avoid Getting Attacked By Law Enforcement
Civilians having encounters with law enforcement have been all over the news lately, leading some people to wonder what they can do to avoid aggressive treatment from police and federal agents.
Trump Warns Minnesota If The Riots Don’t Stop He Will Start Posting In All-Caps
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump warned this week that if the Minnesota government is unable to get the riots under control, he will be forced to start posting online using all-caps.
Kathleen Kennedy Sad To Leave Lucasfilm Before She Got The Chance To Make A Trilogy About Rey’s First Period
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Kathleen Kennedy was reportedly very sad to leave Lucasfilm before she had the chance to make a trilogy of Star Wars movies about Rey getting her first period.
‘Shhh… You’ll Get Your Chance Soon,’ Says Trump Soothing B-2 Bombers In Hangar
TUSCON, AZ — During a routine aircraft inspection at the 309th Aerospace Maintenance and Regeneration Group at Davis-Monthan Air Force Base, inspectors witnessed President Trump approach a Northrop B-2 Spirit stealth bomber and gently caress it while whispering, "Shhh… you’ll get your chance soon."
Minnesota Changes Official State Bird To Screaming Lesbian
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Following recent developments stemming from political protests and clashes with the federal government across the state, Minnesota announced that it had changed the official state bird to a screaming lesbian.
Trump Delays Iran Attack Until Consulting With Whoopi Goldberg
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to an anonymous White House source, a U.S. military strike on Iran had been delayed until President Donald Trump could consult with Whoopi Goldberg.