U.S. — To keep up with popular consumer trends and make products more appealing to the company’s customer base, Subaru announced that all models will now come standard with a built-in ICE tracker.
Babylon Bee
Trump Disguises Himself As Muslim Migrant So Europe Will Let Him Invade Greenland
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a brilliant stroke of genius, President Donald Trump has just disguised himself as a Muslim migrant so that Europe now has to let him invade Greenland.
Denmark Protects Greenland By Securing It In Giant Cookie Tin
NUUK — With rhetoric from both European countries and the United States over control of the island escalating, Denmark commenced a plan to protect Greenland by securing it in a giant cookie tin.
Apple Introduces New IPhone For Your Other Hand
CUPERTINO, CA — The world’s most popular and trendsetting tech manufacturer set the consumer world on fire once again this week, as Apple introduced a new iPhone for your other hand.
ICE Protesters Reveal Next 9 Places They Will Attack
Following their successful attack on a local church service, ICE protestors are reportedly prepping for even more assaults. According to one anonymous source, social justice warriors have nine new places in mind.
Pentecostal Church Doesn’t Notice Riot Is Occurring
ST. PAUL, MN — According to sources, membership at a local pentecostal church failed to notice when protestors stormed the building and began screaming at everyone because it wasn’t at all dissimilar from a typical pentecostal service.
Don Lemon Immediately Bursts Into Flames Upon Entering Church
SAINT PAUL, MN — An already traumatic incident turned even worse on Sunday, as former CNN personality and apparent left-wing protest ringleader Don Lemon immediately burst into flames upon entering a church.
Pam Bondi Promises To Prosecute Minnesota Rioters As Soon As She Finishes Releasing All Those Epstein Files
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the American public demanding action be taken by the government in response to aggressive and violent leftist protests across the country, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi promised to prosecute Minnesota rioters as soon as she finishes releasing all those Epstein files.
Antifa Protests Violence By Viciously Beating Bystanders
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Anitfa has flooded the streets of Minneapolis to protest against violence by viciously beating innocent bystanders.
7 Things To Say When Called On In Bible Class When You Weren’t Paying Attention
You were deeply lost in a daydream right in the middle of Bible class when – oh no! The professor is calling your name to answer a question about… something. Here are the ten best things to say if you find yourself in this terrible situation: