SALEM, OR – Local parents Terry and Jessica Pritchard decided to abort their baby after receiving the devastating news that he would be among the happiest demographic on the planet.
Babylon Bee
Bears Forced To Leave Chicago After Every Player, Coach, Fan Killed In Drive-Bys
CHICAGO, IL – The Chicago Bears organization announced today that it will be relocating out of the city due to all of its players and fans having been killed in drive-bys.
St. Paul Relinquishes ‘Chief Of Sinners’ Title After New Platner Allegations Come To Light
HEAVEN – St. Paul has officially relinquished his self-proclaimed title "Chief of Sinners" after learning of the newest allegations against Graham Platner.
After Mail-In Ballots Tallied, Joe Biden Wins L.A. Mayor Race With 81 Million Votes
LOS ANGELES, CA — After multiple days of late-night mail-in ballot drops finally being tallied, it was discovered that Joe Biden had won the Los Angeles mayoral race with an astonishing 81 million votes.
Should You Believe All Women? A Handy Flowchart
Oh no! A woman has accused a political candidate of vile deeds! But should you believe them?
Trump Repairs The Crack In The Liberty Bell
PHILADELPHIA, PA — President Donald Trump proudly announced on Friday that he had repaired the crack on the Liberty Bell, outraging millions of Americans.
Liberals Give Us Their 10 Most Convincing Arguments For Abortion
Among Americans, there remains an ever-growing divide between those who are pro-life and those who are pro-killing-their-baby. In an attempt to bridge this divide, The Babylon Bee interviewed thousands of liberals to hear their compelling reasons to murder infants.
Keir Starmer Warns UK About Rise Of Murdererphobia
‘Obsession’ Director Says He Got Idea For Horror Movie Having Once Met A Woman
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Director Curry Barker has a surprise hit on his hands with his indie horror movie Obsession, which has especially connected with Gen Z audiences. Barker said he got the idea for his frightening movie from a real-life source. "I once met a woman!" Barker exclaimed.
Graham Platner Reassures Voters That There Are Probably Only 14 Or 15 More Horrific Revelations To Come
SULLIVAN, ME — Following yet another scandal that engulfed his campaign for a U.S. Senate seat in Maine, Democrat Graham Platner reassured voters that there were probably only 14 or 15 more horrific revelations to come.