U.S. — Chick-fil-A employees began taking over TSA duties at the beginning of the week, and airline passengers noted that wait times were eliminated almost immediately.
Babylon Bee
Live-Action ‘Moana’ Remake Saves Money By Getting The Rock $8 Wig From Spirit Halloween
BURBANK, CA — Due to some clever thinking by producers of Walt Disney Pictures’ live-action Moana remake, the $150 million film was able to save big on its budget by just getting Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson an $8 wig from Spirit Halloween.
Terrorists Give Up After Three Hours In TSA Line
NEW YORK, NY — A terrorist became frustrated and decided the attack he had been planning wasn’t worth the trouble after spending three hours in the TSA line at the airport.
CNN Calls War For Iran
U.S. — CNN announced a shift in its reporting of the US-Israel war with Iran on Monday, declaring the conflict resolved. In light of this major update, CNN officially called the war for Iran.
Considerate Video Game Boss Leaves Plenty Of Health And Ammo In Room Right Before You Fight Him
RACCOON CITY — Maintaining some semblance of his humanity, a grotesque boss monster located in an underground laboratory helpfully left plenty of health and ammo in the room right before anyone comes to fight him.
TSA Reduces Delays By Eliminating Colonoscopy Portion Of Search
U.S. — The Transportation Security Administration announced this morning that it would be ending the practice of performing colonoscopies on travelers at airports around the country in an effort to speed up security lines amidst the ongoing partial government shutdown.
Trump Releases Line Of Sympathy Cards
U.S. — Separate from his work as the nation’s commander in chief, President Donald Trump announced that he was releasing a line of specialty sympathy cards he had written himself.
8 Tips For Getting Through TSA Faster
With the tug-of-war over funding for the Department of Homeland Security leaving the Transportation Security Administration short on agents, getting through airport security is an even bigger nightmare than before.
Statue Of Cesar Chavez Gropes Woman As It’s Being Taken Down
SAN FERNANDO, CA — An existing scandal was made even worse over the weekend, as a statue of the late union laborist and political activist Cesar Chavez allegedly groped a young woman as it was being taken down.
Paddleboat Ride Enjoyable For Seven Seconds
STANLEY, ID — A paddleboat ride at a local lake resulted in about seven seconds of enjoyment for a local couple, followed by twenty minutes of pain, work, sweat, and regret, sources revealed.