SAN DIMAS, CA — Local Gen Zer Aiden Heath was reportedly hospitalized this week after going more than five minutes without saying "bro."
Babylon Bee
Democrats Demand Reparations From African American
U.S. — In a surprising policy shift, Democrats announced they were now demanding reparations from an African American.
Conservative Parents Horrified To Walk In On Son Watching World Cup
MOBILE, AL — Local conservatives Michael and Lacie Barnett were reportedly aghast after walking in on their son Jeffrey watching the FIFA World Cup.
UFC Fight Ends Abruptly As Trump Brokers Peace Deal Between The Fighters
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The highly anticipated UFC Freedom 250 event held on the White House lawn was abruptly cut short Sunday evening after President Trump announced he had brokered a peace deal between the fighters.
Scholars Now Believe The Angel Saved Daniel By Distracting Lions With A Laser Pointer
U.S. – Leading scholars believe that the angel who saved Daniel in the lion’s den used a red laser pointer to distract the vicious cats.
U.S. Votes To Legally Adopt Freddy The German
U.S. — The citizens of the United States have overwhelmingly voted to legally adopt the World Cup tourist known only as "Freddy the German."
Elon Musk Credits Trillionaire Status To Dave Ramsey Envelope System
U.S. — After making history by becoming the world’s first trillionaire, Elon Musk credited his enormous wealth to carefully following the Dave Ramsey envelope system.
British Government Gives Religious Exemption For Suicide Vests
LONDON — In an ongoing effort to balance religious freedom and public safety, the government of the United Kingdom decided to grant exemptions for committed Muslims who wish to don suicide vests for religious and ceremonial purposes.
The Bee Explains: How Soccer Works
The 2026 FIFA World Cup is being hosted in the United States for the first time since 1994. But what should be a cause for celebration is, instead, confusing a lot of Americans who can’t quite seem to grasp the nature of the game.
Starmer Sets Up Commission To Respond To Attempted Beheading UPDATE: The Commission Has Been Beheaded
LONDON — According to sources, Prime Minister Keir Starmer set up a commission to discern how best to respond to the attempted beheading in Belfast. UPDATE: The members of the commission have been beheaded.