VATICAN CITY — Pope Leo boldly proclaimed today that God does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, so long as you don’t count King David, or Joshua, or Gideon, or Samson, or Elijah, or Hezekiah, or any of those other people in the Bible.
Babylon Bee
Every Inning Of Baseball Game Aired On Different Streaming Service
U.S. – In a new milestone for Major League Baseball, every single inning of a game was aired on a different streaming platform.
Dozens Of Injuries Reported At ‘No Kings’ Rally After Multi-Scooter Pileup
BOSTON, MA — Dozens of significant injuries have been reported at the "No Kings" rally today after a multi-scooter pileup as the protest crossed Tremont Street.
Trump Deploys 10,000 Soldiers To Spread Word There Is No War In Iran
U.S. — President Trump has announced the deployment of 10,000 soldiers to help spread the word that there is no war happening in Iran.
Black Half Of Tiger Woods Tased By Cops After Asian Half Crashes Car
JUPITER, FL — The black half of professional golfer Tiger Woods was tased by police at the scene where the Asian half of Tiger Woods had wrecked his car.
49 States Enact Legislation Banning Immigrants From California
U.S. — To get ahead of the expected surge of migrants seeking refuge and freedom in the safety of America, 49 states banded together this week to enact legislation banning immigrants from California.
12 Tips For Dads Babysitting Their Own Kids
Don’t be alarmed, but there may be times when your wife will leave you home along with the kids for hours — or even days — on end. Knowing what to do in these situations is vital for their survival, and yours.
TSA Agent Keeps Skills Sharp By Groping Mannequin At Home
ONTARIO, CA — With the partial government shutdown still ongoing and no end in sight, local TSA employee Jeff Dormer said he had been keeping his skills sharp by groping a mannequin at home.
Amazon Announces Massive ‘Everything-40%-Off-Except-The-Three-Things-You-Want’ Sale
U.S. — Just in time for Easter, Amazon announced that it was rolling out a special limited-time "Everything-40%-Off-Except-The-Three-Things-You-Want" sale.
Trump Brags Oil Never Worth This Much Under Biden
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The wins just keep on coming, according to President Donald Trump, who bragged to the media on Friday that oil was never worth this much under former President Joe Biden.