CANAAN — The young son of a prominent family remained optimistic that he would someday have a dream that doesn’t make everyone in his life want to kill him.
Babylon Bee
Iran Wins $300 Billion Cash Prize For Placing Second In War
TEHRAN — The leadership of the Islamic Republic of Iran was reportedly overjoyed to learn they had won a grand total of $300 billion for coming second place in the war against the U.S.
Tim Walz Volunteers To Personally Check Each And Every California Business To See If Owners Are Gay Enough
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With California adopting a new system to check if LGBTQ+ labeled businesses are really gay, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz showed up uninvited at the offices of the California Public Utilities Commission volunteering to personally inspect every California to see if the owners are gay…
MLB Orders Players Who Refused To Bow To Pride Flag To Be Thrown Into Fiery Furnace
NEW YORK, NY — MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, reportedly infuriated by news of ball players defiling their pride hats with Bible verses, has ordered anyone who refuses to bow to the pride flag be cast into the fiery furnace.
VICTORY: Trump Secures Reopening Of Strait That Was Open Before War
IRAN — In a sign of total and absolute victory, President Trump announced that he had secured the reopening of the vital Strait of Hormuz, which was open before the war that Trump started in Iran.
McDonald’s Brings Back Original Recipe Apple Pies With Cocaine In Them
CHICAGO, IL — In a bid to capture vintage nostalgia, McDonald’s has announced the return of its true, original-recipe apple pies. The company confirmed the legendary dessert will once again feature the secret ingredient from its initial nineteenth-century inspiration: cocaine.
World Breathes Sigh Of Relief As Terrorists Promise To Be Good
WORLD — Citizens across the globe breathed a collective sigh of relief after learning that the government of Iran has promised to be good from here on out as part of the peace deal negotiated by President Donald Trump.
Most Popular VBS Theme For Each Denomination
Vacation Bible School season is upon us once again, and you may have noticed that every denomination has its own special twist on how to engage elementary-age kiddos. The Babylon Bee has surveyed the country, and here are the most popular VBS themes for each denomination:
Confused Biden Wanders Into G7 Summit
EVIAN, FRANCE — Years after wandering away from a G7 summit, a confused former President Joe Biden was seen wandering back into the G7 meeting in France this week. A gathering of top world leaders was in the middle of a high-stakes debate on global trade when the…
Ocarina of Time Retro Review: A Boring Game That Doesn’t Even Have Emotes, Skins, Or Loot Boxes
When I first booted up The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, I thought I was gonna be in for a magical experience. The opening title card is fantastical and mysterious, and the music is pretty good. I couldn’t find an option to turn the graphics to 4K…