TUSCON, AZ — Local mom Ashley Marsten announced that she was glad to see the fruit she bought at the store earlier this week was finally ripe and ready to eat, and… oh wait… it’s rotten.
Babylon Bee
Man Worried He May Go His Entire Life Without Mastering The Ancient Art Of Nunchaku
LITTLE ROCK, AK — As Darren Phillips pulled himself out of bed on Thursday morning, it became apparent to him that there was a growing chance that he could go his whole life without ever mastering the ancient art of the nunchaku.
Frank From Accounting In Epstein Files For Some Reason
DUBUQUE, IA — Employees at Midwest Windows Inc. were reportedly uncomfortable to learn that Frank from accounting was mentioned in the Epstein files for some reason.
To Make Games Fair, MLB Will Now Have Managers Line Everyone Up And Pick Teams Before Each Game
NEW YORK, NY. — As teams and fans alike gear up for the start of a new baseball season, to make games more fair, Major League Baseball will now have managers line everyone up and pick teams before each game.
Missionary on Hour Twelve of Trying to Get ChatGPT Saved
KISSIMMEE, FL — Sources close to missionary Keith Johnson reported that he had entered his twelfth hour of doing the Lord’s work and trying to convert ChatGPT to Christianity.
Politicians Hoping National Prayer Breakfast Wraps Up In Time For Coke Orgy Lunch
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As lawmakers and other notable figures gathered once again for the annual solemn occasion to petition the Almighty God on behalf of the country, politicians were reportedly hoping that the National Prayer Breakfast would wrap up in time for them to make it to the…
10 Ways To Come Out As A Conservative To Your Liberal Parents
Our current society can have trouble showing acceptance — especially to conservatives. If you’re a young conservative who has kept your political views a secret from your family, knowing how to tell your parents can be difficult.
American Society Of Plastic Surgeons Recommends No Longer Doing Those Surgeries That No One Was Doing
U.S. — The American Society of Plastic Surgeons has officially recommended that surgeons stop doing those gender surgeries on minors that absolutely no one was doing.
‘The Injuns Are A-Comin!’ Cries Billie Eilish Loading Musket To Defend Home From Tribe Of Redskins
LOS ANGELES, CA — According to sources, American singer-songwriter Billie Eilish successfully defended her land from members of the Tonga Tribe, an indigenous people native to the LA basin, who claim her home is built on their land.
Minecraft Introduces Peaceful Protesters And OH NO THEY’VE BURNED DOWN THE VILLAGE
REDMOND, WA — Peaceful social justice leaders have come to the world of Minecraft to educate gamers about peaceful resistance as a means to fight for equal rights among the marginalized and OH NO! THEY BURNED DOWN THE VILLAGE!