BOLZANO — The Galactic Empire was met with collective disappointment in its first chance at bringing home a medal at the 2026 Milano-Cortina Winter Olympic Games, as an Imperial stormtrooper once again finished dead last in the qualifying round of the men’s biathlon.
Babylon Bee
Japanese Prime Minister Wins Landslide Victory After Promising To Introduce Forks
TOKYO — A new page in history was turned in the Far East this week, with the newly elected Japanese prime minister Sanae Takaichi winning a landslide victory after promising to introduce forks.
Patriots’ Offensive Line Surprised To Learn Super Bowl Was Yesterday
SANTA CLARA, CA — A key part of New England’s team experienced deep disappointment this morning, as the Patriots’ offensive line learned that the Super Bowl was yesterday.
Support For ICE Skyrockets To 99% After Halftime Show
SANTA CLARA, CA – Following this year’s Super Bowl halftime show featuring the musical stylings of Bad Bunny, surveys show support for Immigration and Customs Enforcement skyrocketed 99 percent overnight.
NBC Suffers Bizarre Technical Glitch As Entire Halftime Show Broadcast In Spanish
The Babylon Bee To Host Even More Patriotic Halftime Show Where Clarence Thomas Just Stands There And Reads Constitution
U.S. — The Babylon Bee has announced that it will also be hosting an "even more patriotic" alternative halftime show, which will feature Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas standing there while reading the Constitution.
Pastor Heads To Booth After Service To Await Scores From The Judges
OMAHA, NE — After wrapping up this morning’s sermon, local Pastor Scott Denison headed to the booth as he anxiously awaited his scores from the judges.
Pit Bull Wins Westminster Dog Show After Killing All The Other Contestants
NEW YORK CITY — A new champion has been crowned in the Westminster Dog Show, with a pit bull named "Slayer" winning by default after killing all of the other contestants.
8 Things To Double-Check Before Posting A Video To The President’s Social Media Account
Posting social media content for the President of the United States comes with tremendous responsibility, so it’s critical to give posts a once-over before sending them out to the masses. Here are eight things you should always double-check before posting a video on the President’s account:
Sad: With Washington Post Cutbacks, No One Keeping Track Of How Racist The Birds Are Getting
U.S. — In a deep loss for the nation, the mass layoffs at The Washington Post have left no one to monitor how racist birds are becoming.