HEAVEN — Old habits from life on Earth seemed to be challenging to break, as reports from Heaven indicated that Saint Peter was seen trying to explain to John the Baptist that he didn’t have to eat bugs anymore.
Babylon Bee
9 Leading Candidates For Next Year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show
Bad Bunny broke down barriers at this year’s Super Bowl by putting on a show that only 15% of the viewing audience could understand, which has people wondering how the NFL will follow it up.
Next Halftime Show To Be Performed Entirely In Sindarin Elvish
U.S. — In an effort to expand the global market for American football, the National Football League announced on Tuesday that next year’s Super Bowl halftime show would be performed entirely in Sindarin Elvish.
Wife Refuses To Return Stolen Land She Took From Husband’s Side Of Bed
RICHMOND, VA — In a blatant and callous display of colonialism, local wife Jennifer Carlin refused to return the land she stole from her husband John’s side of the bed last night.
Lindsey Vonn Announces She Has Joined The U.S. Paralympics Team
CORTINA D’AMPEZZO — After suffering a nasty fall on the slopes during the women’s downhill competition, American skier Lindsey Vonn announced that she had joined the U.S. Paralympics team.
Alarming Study Shows Average Somali High School Senior In Minnesota Committing Fraud At Just A 5th Grade Level
EDINA, MN — An alarming new study of Minnesota schools revealed that the average Somali high school senior is only committing fraud at a 5th-grade level.
U.S. Ski Team Awarded Gold Medal For Synchronized Screaming About Trump
MILANO — The United States Ski Team showed exceptional teamwork this week, as they secured victory in the Synchronized Screaming About Trump event, just barely beating out Iran to win the gold.
Pharmaceutical Companies Wondering If They Should Develop Anti-Depressant Whose First Listed Side Effect Isn’t ‘SEVERE THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE’
U.S. — Researchers at the nation’s leading pharmaceutical companies are reportedly having second thoughts about their manufacturing methods for antidepressants, wondering if perhaps they should come up with a pill whose first side effect isn’t "severe thoughts of suicide".
After Relationship Between Parent And Child Irreparably Broken, Math Homework Is Done
ROCHESTER, MN — The relationship between Dave Fromm and his daughter Lucille may have been irreparably annihilated, but at least the math homework is finally finished, say sources close to the situation.
World Gathers To Watch A Bunch Of Sports And Also Figure Skating
WORLD — The 2026 Winter Olympics marks the 25th time that the world has gathered together to watch a bunch of sports and also figure skating.