U.S. — Up-and-coming crime reporter Megan Coolidge said she was excited to hear about the latest gruesome kidnapping case, as it would be a huge boost to her career.
Babylon Bee
Trump Approves Use Of Poké Balls To Catch Illegal Immigrants
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump issued an executive order on Friday authorizing the use of Poké Balls to catch illegal immigrants.
The Babylon Bee Ranks Humanity’s Worst Inventions
Since the invention of the wheel, many have pondered the greatest inventions of mankind. The Babylon Bee, however, is more fascinated by studying humanity’s worst inventions.
Jacob’s ‘I Love You Almost As Much As I Love Your Sister’ Valentine Card Not A Big Hit With Leah
SUCCOTH — Local patriarch Jacob was reportedly confused this week when his wife, Leah, appeared unimpressed with the Valentine’s Day card he gave her that read, "I love you almost as much as I love your sister."
Husband Enters Annual Hibernation Period Between Super Bowl And MLB Opening Day
BLUE SPRINGS, MO — One of nature’s most wondrous events was on full display at one suburban home this week, as a local husband followed his innate instinct to enter his annual hibernation period between the Super Bowl and Major League Baseball Opening Day.
ICE Leaves Minneapolis To Focus On American Cities
U.S. — Border Czar Tom Homan announced on Friday that ICE would be withdrawing from Minneapolis in a strategic move to instead focus on enforcing laws in American cities.
‘Gunperson’ And 7 Other More Inclusive Terms To Use For Non-Binary Criminals
When reporting on crime, it’s of paramount importance that journalists adhere to a strict code of ethics, which involves using AP-approved inclusionary terms to identify assailants of indeterminate gender. For example, if a person shoots and kills someone, and you can’t readily discern their gender, try identifying them…
Trump Orders Drone Strike On Venezuelan Olympic Cross-Country Skier
TESERO — Venezuelan cross-country skier Nicolas Claveau-Laviolette was blown off the course on Thursday in what appeared to be a drone strike conducted by the United States military at the direct order of President Donald Trump.
Elon Confirms Mars Voyage Delayed Again After ‘Diablo II’ Update
AUSTIN, TX — Humanity’s voyage to Mars suffered a significant delay following an admission by SpaceX CEO Elon Musk that he just learned of a new update to Diablo II: Resurrected, and he would be quite busy playing that for the next few years.
Bible Authors Admit They Were Paid $7K For Every Reference To Israel
HEAVEN — In a shocking revelation that falls in line with a common suspicion online over the last year, several of the men who authored books of the Bible finally admitted that they were all paid $7,000 for every reference they made to Israel.