NEW YORK, NY — Tragedy struck Friday afternoon, as thousands of people were reported dead after a New York man lowered the thermostat in his apartment to 77 degrees.
Babylon Bee
Nation Agrees To Let Biden Be President To Hear Him Attempt To Say ‘Semiquincentennial’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — America was in for a treat this holiday weekend, as the nation agreed to allow Joe Biden to be president again for one day during the nation’s 250th birthday celebration just to hear him attempt to say the word "semiquincentennial."
Ron Paul Scales Empire State Building To Unveil Flag Reading ‘End The Fed!’
NEW YORK, NY — Defying old age and government authorities, libertarian firebrand Ron Paul was spotted climbing to the top of the Empire State Building, where he unfurled a large banner that read, "End The Fed!"
Entire Democrat Party Placed On ‘No Fly’ List
U.S. — The Transportation Security Administration announced on Thursday that it had officially placed the entire Democratic Party on the No Fly List.
Democrats Vow To Reform ICE So It Only Deports Immigrants Who Love America
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington Democrats were getting out the vote early ahead of the November midterms, pledging to reform U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) so it only deports immigrants who love America.
Mom Threatens Kids With A Road Trip If They Don’t Behave
BIRMINGHAM, AL — A new technique for managing children was discovered this week, as local woman Sarah Bailey got her kids to behave by threatening them with a fun family road trip.
Sad: Woman Gives Birth On Border And Now Only Baby’s Top Half Is American
EL PASO, TX — Witnesses reported that a migrant woman gave birth right on the U.S.-Mexico border this morning, sadly making only the top half of the baby American.
Absolutely Shredded Guy Reveals His Secret Is Water Aerobics
ORLANDO, FL — After years of being admired for his absolutely shredded physique, local man Chris Kolaski finally revealed that his secret to looking like a Greek god was water aerobics.
Mamdani Offers To Cool New Yorkers Down By Sending Them To Siberian Gulag
NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani asked New Yorkers weathering the heatwave to keep their thermostats at a scorching 78 degrees so as not to tax the city’s inadequate power grid. Still, Mamdani said he had other ways to cool down anyone who complains: "Off to gulag!"
Meet 7 Brave Trans Athletes Whose Dreams Were Crushed By The SCOTUS Ruling
Before the United States Supreme Court handed down its ruling that effectively banned trans athletes from competing in women’s sports, a wide range of competitors were working toward achieving their lifelong dreams. Now, those dreams are over. These are their stories.