U.S. — According to sources, the Democrat Party quietly revised their process for vetting prospective candidates by first asking them if they’ve ever raped anyone.
Babylon Bee
Sonny Hostin Flees In Terror After Seeing Pillsbury American Flag Cookie Dough
NEW YORK CITY — A screaming Sonny Hostin fled in terror after rounding the corner in the grocery store only to come face-to-face with a shelf of Pillsbury American flag cookie dough.
Introverted Conference Attendee Torn Between Participating In Icebreaker And Throwing Self Off Coronado Bridge
SAN DIEGO, CA — Introverted conference attendee Art Pendelton was torn this morning between participating in a mandatory icebreaker or throwing himself off the majestic Coronado Bridge.
Wife Says She Will Be Ready To Go In 45 Minutes, Plus Stoppage Time
LIMERICK, PA — In preparation for their Friday date night, local wife Allison Murphy informed her husband that she would be ready to go to dinner in 45 minutes, plus stoppage time.
‘Soccer Is Slow, Low-Scoring, And Boring,’ Says Baseball Fan
SAN DIEGO, CA — As America’s dreams of a World Cup victory came to an end, a sophisticated baseball fan reflected on how little it matters since soccer is slow, low-scoring, and boring.
WNBA Player Suspended For Not Assaulting Caitlin Clark
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — A WNBA player was suspended on Tuesday for failing to meet the league’s code of conduct when she decided to play an entire game and not even once try to assault Caitlin Clark.
Rape Allegations Mar Reputation Of Local Nazi
SULLIVAN, ME — A promising political career has been abruptly cut short after rape allegations have sadly marred the reputation of a local Nazi.
Kids Sentenced To Another Week At Different VBS
MOBILE, AL — After surviving five consecutive days of "Jungle Quest: Following Jesus Into The Wild" just last month, local children Kate and Brayden Maxwell were reportedly sentenced by their parents to serve another week in the jungle at yet another Vacation Bible School across town.
Mitch McConnell’s Staff Assures Public His Death Will Not Prevent Him From Finishing His Term
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As rumors continued to swirl throughout the nation’s capital regarding his status, Senator Mitch McConnell’s staff assured the public that his death would not prevent him from finishing his term.
U.S. Back In World Cup After Trump Deports Belgian Team
U.S. — The United States Men’s National Team was officially placed back in the World Cup after President Donald Trump ordered the deportation of the entire Belgian team.