SACRAMENTO, CA — California Governor Gavin Newsom announced on Friday that he would be signing a law reinstating the death penalty for anyone caught investigating fraud in the state.
Babylon Bee
9 Exciting Features Coming To Mamdani’s City-Run Grocery Store
Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced his plan to open a $30 million city-run grocery store in the heart of New York City. While that may seem like a lot of money, this isn’t your average Kroger.
$400M Ticketmaster Settlement Reduced To Just $11.50 After Fees
NEW YORK, NY — A New York federal court found Ticketmaster guilty of operating as a monopoly following its 2010 merger with concert promoter Live Nation, and ordered the ticket vendor to pay $400 million in fines, which came out to just $11.50 after service fees.
Crippled Man Lowered Into Oval Office In Search Of Trump’s Healing
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a scene reminiscent of ancient Capernaum, a crippled man was lowered through a hole in the ceiling of the Oval Office after hearing rumors of President Donald Trump’s miraculous powers of healing.
Gen Zer Puts On Her Nice Pajamas For Job Interview
FEDERAL WAY, WA — Local Gen Zer Krista Evans reportedly selected her fanciest pajamas for a recent job interview at a local tech company.
Mamdani Looking Into Whether He Can Tax Residents Of Other Cities
NEW YORK, NY — As part of his ongoing plan to implement his sweeping socialist policies throughout New York City, Mayor Zohran Mamdani was reportedly looking into whether he can tax residents of other cities as well.
Can You Spot Everything Racist In Trump’s New Triumphal Arch?
The White House announced the construction of a 250-ft "United States Triumphal Arch" in honor of the nation’s 250th anniversary, which sounds good until you realize just how racist it is.
‘Do Not Fear Mass Islamic Migration,’ Says Pope Behind 40-Foot Walls Of Vatican City Fortress
VATICAN CITY — Seated inside a fortress with 40-foot walls and surrounded by Swiss guards, Pope Leo XIV cautioned the rest of the world’s population not to fear mass Islamic migration.
SCOTUS Rules Death Penalty Is OK For People Who Post ‘BREAKING’ And A Siren Emoji Before Every Tweet
U.S. — In a landmark decision sure to send shockwaves across the social media influencing sphere, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that the death penalty is OK for people who post "BREAKING" and a red siren emoji before every tweet.
Older Woman Gets Botox So She Can Look Like An Older Woman Who Got Botox
REDWOOD CITY, CA — Older woman Laura Middleson reportedly went to her local wellness spa and had the clinician there inject her with Botox so she could look like an older woman who had been injected with Botox.