PORTLAND, ME — Progressive local church First United Methodist of Portland announced that it would now be offering a mail-in attendance option for its parishioners.
Babylon Bee
Tiger Woods’ License Suspended After Court Determines He Is Half-Asian
JUPITER, FL — A Florida court suspended golf legend Tiger Woods’ driver’s license for five years after an investigation determined that he is half-Asian.
Sad: Kathy Hochul Tries To Warn People Republicans Will Take Away Women’s Rights, But Her Mouth Is Covered By Hijab
NEW YORK, NY — Governor Kathy Hochul desperately tried to warn New Yorkers that Republicans were taking away women’s rights, but no one in the room could hear her because her mouth was covered by a hijab.
The Babylon Bee Guide To Boomer Slang
Connecting with the older folk can be a challenge, especially when you have a hard time understanding what they’re saying. But don’t worry, if you put your mind to it, you can learn to communicate with even the lamest of old heads.
Sauron Insists He Only Tried To Enslave All Of Middle-Earth Because He Was Suffering From Postpartum Depression
BARAD-DÛR, MORDOR — Accused of attempting to enslave all the free peoples of Middle-earth and cover the land with darkness, the Dark Lord Sauron explained he only did it because he was suffering from postpartum depression.
Trump Warns Iran Next Truth Social Post Will Include Even More Exclamation Marks
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As hostilities between the United States and the Iranian regime flared up again in recent days, President Donald Trump warned Iran that his next Truth Social post would include even more exclamation marks.
Pastor Torn Between Preaching God’s Eternal Word Or Playing Another Movie Clip
ARCADIA, CA — A local pastor found himself torn between preaching God’s eternal and entirely sufficient Scriptures to the congregation or just playing another entertaining movie clip.
Babylon Bee Writers Devastated As AOC Announces She Will Never Date A Conservative
BABYLON BEE HEADQUARTERS — Mourning and sorrow have seized the writers of The Babylon Bee as Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, she whom all at the Bee dearly wish to date, adamantly declared she would never go out with a conservative.
Nation Proposes Repealing 19th Amendment But Just For Women Who Support Lindsay Clancy
WASHINGTON, DC — Citizens of the United States have proposed repealing the right for women to vote, but only for those women who vocally support child-murderer Lindsay Clancy.
God Decides To Flood Earth Again After KFC Releases Oreo Chicken Sandwich
HEAVEN — Heavenly sources report that the Lord has decided it is once again time to wipe out most of humanity after Kentucky Fried Chicken released the Oreo Chicken Sandwich.