JUDEA — In adherence to the teachings of Jesus, Simon, who is called Peter, was committed to forgiving the neighbor who wronged him up to "seventy times seven" times. Unfortunately, after forgiving him 73 times, Peter reportedly lost count and had to start all over.
Babylon Bee
Hollywood Colorist Fired After Accidentally Leaving Color In Film
BURBANK, CA — Panic swept through Warner Bros. Studios on Tuesday after a senior colorist was terminated for accidentally allowing visible primary colors to remain in a major motion picture.
Bari Weiss Facing Credible Allegations Of Doing Journalism
NEW YORK, NY — Interviews conducted with employees of CBS News revealed that Editor-in-Chief Bari Weiss was facing internal backlash over allegations that she had attempted to commit actual journalism.
Mayor Mamdani Up All Night Practicing Sad Face For Upcoming 9/11 Observance
NEW YORK, NY — New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani was reportedly seen standing in front of his bathroom mirror practicing his "sad face" in preparation for his upcoming appearance at the 9/11 memorial.
Trump Renames The Montreal Canadiens As The Montreal Americans
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced on Friday that he had successfully annexed the Canadian hockey team, the Montreal Canadiens, and would be renaming them the Montreal Americans.
Chicago Teacher Asks Students To Please Raise Their Hands Instead Of Firing Pistols Into The Air
CHICAGO, IL — A fifth-grade teacher at Lincoln Elementary reportedly admonished her classroom on Thursday, asking the kids to please raise their hands to be called on instead of firing pistols into the air.
State Of Massachusetts Declared Incompetent By Reason Of Insanity
U.S. — The State of Massachusetts has officially been ruled incompetent by reason of insanity.
Powerful: Gloria Steinem Refuses To Allow Satan To Hold Door To Hell Open For Her
HELL — Feminist icon Gloria Steinem refused to allow Satan to hold the door open for her on the way into hell, in what many are calling her final act against the Patriarchy.
Adventurous Gourmet Samples The Exotic Delicacies Of The Far East At Local Chinese Buffet
PEMBROKE PINES, FL — An adventurous gourmet with an eye for rare edible treasures was reportedly eager to sample the exotic delicacies of the Far East at local Chinese buffet Super Dragon #1.
Pete Hegseth Sets Up ‘Help Us Buy Missiles’ Lemonade Stand
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth set up a lemonade stand by the Reflecting Pool in order to raise money to allow the military to purchase more missiles.