DEARBORN, MI — Fresh off another term of working tirelessly for the nation she despises, Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib introduced her 2026 reelection campaign slogan: "For a Brighter Future and Also Death to America."
Babylon Bee
Report: Mankind All Out Of Passwords
WORLD — Reports from across the globe this morning indicated that mankind was officially all out of passwords.
UK Finally Gets Tough By Increasing Penalty For Terrorism To 5 Hours Of Community Service
LONDON — The United Kingdom finally decided to crack down on extremist violence, increasing the penalty for terrorist attacks to five hours of community service.
Debate Rages Among Democrats About Whether SAVE Act Is Jim Crow 7.0 Or Jim Crow 8.0
U.S. — Debate continued to rage among Democrats as to whether the SAVE Act is Jim Crow 7.0 or Jim Crow 8.0.
7 Clear Signs Mitch McConnell’s Hospital Photo Is Fake
Is Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell really still alive? A new photo of him in a hospital bed with his wife by his side appears to confirm it… or does it?
Police Instantly Disperse ‘Teen Takeover’ By Firing Job Applications Into Crowd
CHICAGO, IL — Local police successfully dispersed the mob at a "teen takeover" event in the downtown area Friday night by firing thousands of job applications directly into the crowd.
Megyn Kelly Now Claims She’s Never Heard Of A ‘Candace Owens’
U.S. — Podcast host Megyn Kelly surprised listeners on Monday when, during an expletive-filled monologue, she claimed to have never heard of whatever a "Candace Owens" is.
PSA: Over 450,000 People Die Each Year While Lost In Their Hoodies And Being Unable To Find The Head Hole
ATLANTA, GA — Health officials issued an urgent public warning Thursday, revealing that over 450,000 people lose their lives annually due to becoming completely lost inside their own hoodies.
Party Of Tolerance Holds Nationwide Parade Celebrating Death Of Political Enemy
U.S. — The party of love, peace, and tolerance held nationwide parades today to celebrate the death of a political enemy.
IKEA Furniture Now Includes Helpful Instructions On How To Swear In Swedish
ÄLMHULT — Home furnishing giant IKEA announced that all purchases of its assemble-at-home furniture would now include helpful instructions on how to swear in Swedish.