U.S. — Fast-food giant Taco Bell introduced Imodium A-D sauce packets to help customers combat the explosive diarrhea caused by consuming the restaurant chain’s food.
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Christopher Nolan Criticized For Not Depicting Trojan Horse As Historically Accurate Large Wooden Rabbit
LOS ANGELES, CA — As critics continued to heap praise on Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey, fans heavily criticized the blockbuster film for what they argue is a slew of unnecessary changes to Homer’s original epic, notably the depiction of a wooden "Trojan Horse" rather than the historically accurate…
Idaho Builds Border Wall Out of Potatoes to Keep Out Californians
BOISE, ID — In a bold stand against the western invasion, Idaho Governor Brad Little announced today that the state had constructed a new border wall of potatoes to keep out Californians.
Brilliant Politician JD Vance Secures Vote Of 100% Of Nation’s Tucker Carlsons
AUSTIN, TX — In a political maneuver of unparalleled brilliance, Vice President JD Vance callously disparaged millions of his own supporters, securing the vote of one hundred percent of the nation’s Tucker Carlsons.
Hegseth Orders Any Military Personnel With Low Testosterone Be Transferred To The Navy
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth issued a new order that any military member who is discovered to have low testosterone be immediately transferred to the Navy.
Cockroach Maintains Composure Despite Making Contact With Journalist
SHERMAN OAKS, CA — A local cockroach somehow maintained his composure on camera despite unexpectedly making contact with a journalist.
National Park Service Reminds Americans Not To Approach Bison, But If You Do, Make Sure Someone Captures A Hilarious Video Of It
U.S. — The U.S. National Park Service issued a reminder to avoid approaching the bison inside national parks, but if you do, to please be sure that someone captures a hilarious video of it.
Biden Heralded As First President To Author His Memoir Posthumously
U.S. — In the latest in a long line of historic achievements by the former leader, Joe Biden was heralded as the first president to author his memoir posthumously.
CDC Advises Those With Diarrhea Parasite To Stay Within Six Feet Of Toilet
ATLANTA, GA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued an official recommendation this morning that those stricken with explosive diarrhea from the parasitic infection outbreak stay within six feet of a toilet at all times.
Health Safety Tip: Before Consuming Lettuce, Try Being A Man And Eating Real Food
U.S. — In the wake of thousands falling ill due to parasitic infection from fresh produce, health experts are cautioning that before consuming lettuce, citizens should first try being a man and eating real food.