U.S. — Conservatives across the country have expressed concern over the United States becoming entangled in another foreign war — OHHH DANG OUR SUBMARINE JUST FRIGGIN’ TORPEDOED A BOAT WE ARE SO BACK!!!
Babylon Bee
Sad: Iran’s ‘Assembly Of Experts’ Forgets To Include Expert On Not Getting Blown Up
TEHRAN — In a tragic oversight, Iran’s "Assembly of Experts" forgot to include an expert in not dying in a massive fireball.
Pentecostal Wins At Scrabble Again By Spelling All Words In Tongues
FALLON, NV — Local Pentecostal Christian Glenn Fuller reportedly beat all his friends at Scrabble yet again thanks to his miraculous ability to spell out all words in tongues.
Lame Local Church Doesn’t Even Have An App
WACO, TX — According to sources, a lame local church doesn’t even have its own app.
New Reusable Water Bottle Makes You Sign In To Google
U.S. — According to sources, a new reusable water bottle now requires the user to sign into their Google account in order to open it.
Global Leaders Warn That If WW3 Doesn’t End Soon, It Could Disrupt Taylor Swift’s Wedding
WORLD — World leaders pleaded with Israel and the United States to stop attacking Iran this week in an emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council, warning that if World War III doesn’t end soon, it would likely distract from Taylor Swift’s wedding.
Economists Announce Global Economic System Depends Entirely On Like Maybe Two Guys At Nvidia Who Understand How Computers Work
U.S. — American economists warned the public on Tuesday that the entire global economic system depends entirely on "like two or three guys" at Nvidia who understand how computers work.
Biden Asks Why Trump Didn’t Just Bomb Ayatollah In the Leg
DOVER, DE — In the wake of the highly successful decapitation of Iran’s tyrannical dictatorship, former American president Joe Biden asked why Trump didn’t just bomb the Ayatollah in the leg.
‘Soon…,’ Whispers Dad To Dormant Lawnmower In Garage
LEE’S SUMMIT, MO — The dreams of spring were in the air during last weekend, as one local suburban dad gently consoled himself next to his dormant lawnmower in the garage.
Man Awarded Medal Of Honor For Courageously Monitoring Iran War Effort Online
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a modest ceremony at the White House, President Trump awarded the Medal of Honor to a man who was up all weekend monitoring the situation in Iran from his home computer, the administration confirmed on Monday.