BEIJING — Fresh off once again winning the election in China with a remarkable 100% of the vote, President Xi Jinping assured Americans that he would never do anything to rig an election.
Babylon Bee
‘Who’s Laughing Now?’ Says Covid Toilet Paper Hoarder After Explosive Diarrhea Outbreak
LANSING, MI — Six years after friends and neighbors mercilessly mocked him for filling his garage with industrial-sized towers of toilet paper during the COVID pandemic, local man Greg Hutchins reportedly emerged from his home Friday with a smug grin and a fresh roll of Charmin draped triumphantly…
Iran Foils New Bombing Attack By Disguising Itself With A Giant ‘Q’
IRAN — U.S. Central Command attempted to launch another wave of strikes on Iran today, but it was called off last minute due to an inability to locate Iran.
Netflix Announces New Animated Film ‘Bro-Country Demon Hunters’
U.S. — Hoping to piggyback off of their smash hit "K-Pop Demon Hunters", Netflix has announced a new animated film coming in fall 2026 entitled "Bro-Country Demon Hunters".
Plane Crashes After No One Tells The Passengers To ‘Fly Safe’
RALEIGH, NC — A passenger plane tragically crashed on the outskirts of Raleigh on Friday afternoon after no one told any of the passengers on board to "fly safe."
Texas Approves Death Penalty For Anyone Who Starts An Email With ‘Happy Monday, Team!’
AUSTIN, TX — Governor Greg Abbott signed into law this morning a new measure that would impose the death penalty on anyone who begins an email with "Happy Monday, Team!"
Man Who Ate At Taco Bell Getting More Baja Blast Than He Bargained For
DOWNEY, CA — According to witnesses, a man eating at Taco Bell received quite a bit more Baja Blast than he had been counting on.
CNN Poll Shows 125% Of Americans Don’t Believe Trump’s Claim Of Election Fraud
ATLANTA, GA — President Donald Trump’s national address on election integrity may have fallen on deaf ears, according to a new CNN poll that shows 125% of Americans don’t believe his claims of election fraud.
Civil Engineer Really Starting To Regret Building City On Rock & Roll
U.S. — Civil engineer David Sharpe started out with an ambitious goal to build a city on rock and roll, but now says he should have just stuck with more traditional infrastructure planning methods.
Democrats Say They Are Perfectly Capable Of Rigging Elections Without Any Help From China
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats disputed claims that China interfered in the 2020 U.S. election, declaring that they are perfectly capable of rigging elections without China’s help.