WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his latest attempt to entice voters to turn out for the November midterm elections, President Donald Trump announced on Tuesday that he was promising to bring back $5 footlongs if Republicans retained control of both houses of Congress.
Babylon Bee
Genius: Man Commits Crime To Fail Background Check And Get Out Of Serving In Children’s Ministry
KANSAS CITY, MO — After being notified that he was on a list of members needing to submit updated checks for criminal records to remain eligible to work in different areas of the church, one man pulled off a genius plan of committing a crime so he would…
Report: Wolverine Developed Healing Factor To Survive Canadian Healthcare System
WESTCHESTER COUNTY, NY — As authorities continued to gather information about the rogue band of superpowered individuals known as the X-Men, a new report surfaced that the mutant Wolverine developed his regenerative healing factor to survive the Canadian healthcare system.
Baptist Church Potluck Awarded Michelin Star
ATLANTA, GA — A local Baptist church attracted attention this weekend for throwing a potluck that was awarded a prestigious Michelin star.
Climate Activists Blame Global Warming For Zero Hurricanes Forming In Atlantic This Year
U.S. — Climate activists sounded the alarm this week, warning that global warming was to blame for zero hurricanes forming in the Atlantic Ocean this year.
Serving On Jury With Shrill Liberal Women Added To List Of Torture Methods Under Geneva Conventions
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND — A diplomatic council convened over the weekend to vote on a supplement to the Geneva Conventions officially declaring serving on a jury with shrill liberal women a form of torture.
Trump Vows To Send Every American One Million Dollars To Combat Inflation
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced a new plan today to combat inflation by sending every American one million dollars.
Anthropic Boasts They Will Kill Off Humanity Way Before OpenAI
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — AI startup Anthropic held a press conference on Monday to proudly announce that its models would bring about the total extinction of the human race significantly faster than competitor OpenAI.
Man Wondering What The Prayers Of A Not-So-Righteous Man Availeth
PANHANDLE, TX — Though glad to know from Scripture that the prayers of a righteous man availeth much, local man Josh Peterson wondered what exactly the prayers of a not-that-righteous man like himself availeth.
Experts Believe Lindsay Clancy Case May Set Feminist Movement Back Decades, But There May Be Some Negative Effects As Well
U.S. — Experts speculated this week that the Lindsay Clancy trial had set the feminist movement back several decades, but warned that there could be negative effects as well.