COVENTRY, RI — Local child Lilly Shacklefort made waves in her community this Friday when she told her parents she feels most loved when she’s allowed to do whatever she wants without any consequences whatsoever.
Babylon Bee
Patriots Draft Marriage Counselor In Second Round
PITTSBURGH, PA — With their second-round pick in the 2026 NFL Draft, the New England Patriots have officially selected marriage counselor Amy Connors out of the University of North Texas Clinical Counseling Program.
Pelosi Condemns Soldier For Conducting Insider Trading Without Telling Her First
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A furious Representative Nancy Pelosi condemned an American soldier for engaging in insider trading without telling her first.
Baby Adopted By Two Gay Dudes Immediately Puts Self Back Up for Adoption
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Upon realizing that he had somehow gotten stuck in a house with two gay dudes, local baby Christopher Ellison decided to put himself immediately back up for adoption.
Nation On Edge After Soldier Places $50K Polymarket Bet That Trump Will Nuke Iran
U.S. — The United States is reportedly on edge following a leaked report that indicated an American soldier placed a $50,000 bet on Polymarket predicting that President Donald Trump would nuke Iran.
Evangelical Church Architect Fired For Suggesting Steeple
OKLAHOMA CITY, OK — A local architect contracted to design the new location for First Testimony Crosspointe Church was reportedly fired and escorted from the construction site after suggesting the building include a steeple.
Sweet: Free Couch
Whoa, man. Check it out: That’s a free couch sitting on the side of the road there. Not a chair. Not a love seat. A whole friggin’ couch.
New Evidence Reveals Judas Received His 30 Pieces Of Silver From The SPLC
JERUSALEM — In a surprising new discovery that coincides with recent news headlines, biblical scholars confirmed that Judas Iscariot likely received his 30 pieces of silver from the Southern Poverty Law Center.
10 Amazing Organizations Funded By The SPLC
For decades, the folks at the Southern Poverty Law Center have done far more than just advocacy. The group has also generously donated millions of dollars to support carefully vetted organizations that are likewise committed to the causes of tolerance and justice.
Gavin Newsom Admits He Really Doesn’t Want To Be President, He Just Wants To Leave California
SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom finally admitted today that he has no real desire to become President of the United States and is actually just looking for an excuse to leave California.