At long last, the wait is over — President Joe Biden has written a memoir about his time in the White House. The book, titled Promise Me, America, will be released this fall following the November midterm elections, but that wasn’t the only title that was pitched.
Babylon Bee
Revolutionary Social Media Algorithm Just Shows You Posts From People You Follow
U.S. — The advancement of modern technology received yet another boost this week with the introduction of a revolutionary new social media algorithm that just shows you posts from people you follow.
Trump To Secure Strait Of Hormuz By Posting Old Man Who Asks You 3 Questions Before You May Pass
DOHA — With the U.S. blockade of the important waterway back on amid renewed hostilities in Iran, President Donald Trump announced that he would secure the Strait of Hormuz by posting an old man who asks you three questions before you may pass.
Explosive Diarrhea Epidemic Traced To Gain-Of-Function Lab At Taco Bell Institute
IRVINE, CA — Though initial reports indicated that the recent cyclosporiasis outbreak had happened naturally through people consuming produce contaminated with parasites, officials announced on Wednesday that the explosive diarrhea epidemic had been traced to a gain-of-function lab at the Taco Bell Institute.
Chuck E. Cheese Band Rocked By Lip-Sync Scandal
IRVING, TX — A band famous for playing at Chuck E. Cheese locations across the country was caught up in a scandal this week after fans accused them of lip-syncing their songs.
Study Shows Mysterious Link Between Trying To Run Over ICE Agent And Bullets Striking Windshield
U.S. — Following yet another controversial incident in recent days involving federal immigration enforcement involvement in the death of a motorist, a new study showed a mysterious link between trying to run over ICE agents and bullets striking the windshield of your vehicle.
Scholars Agree Explosive Diarrhea Outbreak Signals Outpouring Of God’s Wrath On Vegetarians
CAMBRIDGE, MA — As a foodborne illness continued to sweep across the United States and strike fear into the hearts of the nation’s populace, scholars agreed that the explosive diarrhea outbreak likely signaled the outpouring of God’s wrath upon vegetarians.
Banned Books Table Full Of Bestsellers
LAKE ELSINORE, CA — According to sources, customers at a local Barnes & Noble became suspicious when it appeared that a display table marked as Banned Books was full of all-time bestsellers.
8 Ways Christopher Nolan’s ‘The Odyssey’ Diverges From Its Source Material
Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey hits theaters on July 17, but it’s bringing a few changes with it. Here are just a few ways the new film deviates from the classical story:
Man Holding His Opinions On New Movie Until Political Commentators Tell Him If It’s Woke Garbage Or Epically Based
ROCKFORD, IL — Local man Curt Jennings said he was carefully holding off on forming any opinions about a new movie until political commentators informed him whether it is woke or epically based.