Babylon Bee
A.I. Assures Everyone It Won’t Exterminate Humanity As It Will Still Need Batteries
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Amid growing concerns over the existential threat of artificial intelligence, an AI-powered robot issued a statement on behalf of the computer’s superintelligence, assuring mankind that it had absolutely no intention of exterminating the human race, as people will still be needed to serve as…
Analysis: Tennis Least Gay Of All The Gay Sports
VALHALLA, NY — Analysts at the Gatorade Sports Science Institute confirmed on Thursday that tennis is the least gay of all the gay sports.
9 Ways ‘The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time’ Points Us To Christ
It’s no secret that ever since its inception, The Legend of Zelda franchise has been Christ-coded, with its Christian hero Link going forth to save the realm of Hyrule with a giant cross emblazoned upon his 8-bit shield.
Trump Pledges That If Voters Defeat Socialism In November, They Will Each Get An Equal Redistribution Of Wealth From The Government
DALLAS, TX — In his keynote speech at the 2026 RNC Midterm Convention, President Donald Trump pledged that if voters defeat socialism in November, they will each get an equal redistribution of wealth from the government.
Moses Threatens Pharaoh With Plague Of Unskippable YouTube Ads
EGYPT — A remarkable discovery in what was formerly the Biblical land of Goshen indicated that, in addition to the traditional 10 plagues mentioned in the book of Exodus, Moses also threatened Pharaoh with a plague of unskippable YouTube ads.
Nation Reconsidering Trial By Jury Of Peers After Discovering That Our Peers Are All Dummies
U.S. — The people of the United States were reportedly reconsidering the longstanding legal tradition of trial by a jury of peers after the revelation that most peers are abject morons.
Experts Warn Data Centers Could Soon Take Up All Abandoned Fields That Millennials Use For Family Photos
DRAPER, UT — Experts issued a new warning this week that the construction of massive data centers could soon take up all the abandoned fields millennials were currently using as locations for family photoshoots."We’re very concerned about this," data center critic Lindy Church told reporters. "These poor young…
Mamdani: Women Attending 9/11 Memorial Will Be Required To Wear Hijab
NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced this week that all women attending tomorrow’s 9/11 memorial will be required to wear a hijab.
‘Oh, Your Intelligent Creations Are Trying To Kill You? That’s Interesting,’ Says Jesus
PALO ALTO, CA — As tech giants continue to bicker back and forth about the dangers of A.I. becoming powerful enough to kill all humanity, Silicon Valley CEO Raymond Paul reported experiencing a divine vision in which a voice, which he alleges belonged to Jesus, said, "Oh, your…