WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, Representative Thomas Massie of Kentucky will be holding his own State of the Union Address from a street corner outside a local T.J. Maxx.
Babylon Bee
Man Scores Killer Discount On Flights To Puerto Vallarta
ATLANTA — Local man Brandon Haden reportedly wowed friends and family this week with a surprise trip to the exotic Mexican city of Puerto Vallarta, which he had purchased at a killer discount.
Trump Adds Take-A-Number Ticket Dispenser At Mar-A-Lago For Would-Be Assassins
PALM BEACH, FL — In an effort to create a more efficient process for everyone making an attempt on his life, President Donald Trump ordered his staff to install a "Take-A-Number" ticket dispenser at the front gate of Mar-a-Lago for all would-be assassins.
Democrats Announce State Of The Union Response Will Be Delivered By Bad Bunny
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democrat response to President Trump’s State of the Union address will reportedly be delivered by Bad Bunny, sources confirmed Tuesday.
Trump Hires Team USA Goalie To Guard Southern Border
WASHINGTON, D.C. — America’s national security received a significant boost this week, as President Donald Trump announced that he had hired the goalie of the U.S. men’s Olympic hockey team to guard the southern border.
Report: Trump Just One More Assassination Attempt Away From A Free Third Term
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With an alleged third assassination attempt in the books, President Trump is reportedly one step closer to a free third term.
Episcopalian Once Again Gives Up Reading Bible For Lent
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Local Episcopalian Myrtle Smith has once again elected to undergo an enormous sacrifice by giving up reading her Bible again this Lent.
Gavin Newsom Wows Black Audience By Putting Some Hot Sauce In His Purple Drank
ATLANTA, GA — While speaking at the Rialto Center for the Arts as part of promotion for his new memoir, Young Man in a Hurry: A Memoir of Discovery, California Governor Gavin Newsom wowed a black audience by putting some hot sauce into his purple drank.
Cheer Up, Canada: Here Are 7 Things You’re Still Better At Than America
After a tough stretch at the 2026 Winter Olympics, Canadians are understandably feeling a little down. But it’s not all that bad, Canada. There are still reasons to feel good about yourselves.
Dad Enters Crossword Era
SOUTH BEND, IN — According to sources, local husband and father Glenn Riverton has reportedly entered the crossword era of his life.