U.S. — Democrats were deeply saddened to learn today that America isn’t actually as racist as they thought it was.
Babylon Bee
Newsom Orders Reservoirs Emptied In Preparation For Fire Season
LOS ANGELES, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom took decisive action on Tuesday as he ordered California reservoirs drained in preparation ahead of this year’s fire season.
Party That Promised To Save America Announces It’s Not Really Interested In Saving America Anymore
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following months of urging from President Trump and the American people to pass the SAVE Act and secure the integrity of U.S. elections, the party that promised to save America announced that it wasn’t really interested in saving America anymore.
Weird, But OK: Woman Carries Child For 9 Months Just To Name Him ‘Walter’
KINGMAN, AZ — According to witness accounts, a local woman carried her unborn child to a full 9 months, enduring considerable hardship in the process, only to name him "Walter."
Alex Jones Worried People Will Start To Think Stories Reported By Infowars Are Fake
AUSTIN, TX — Following an announcement that Infowars would soon be converted into a satirical news outlet, American media personality Alex Jones, known for his fringe conspiracy theories related to the Sandy Hook school shooting and homosexual frogs, expressed concern that people would start to think the stories…
Cyclists Shocked, Dismayed To Learn Vehicles Also Allowed To Use Roads
U.S. — Few things can perturb bicyclists, the carefree pedalers who move only slightly faster than a human can run, except for one thing: something getting in the way of their bicycling. That’s why they’ve expressed shock and dismay to find something else using their roads: cars.
Ayatollah Agrees To Surrender But Only If JD Vance Wears This Cute Sailor Outfit
ISLAMABAD — In a stunning breakthrough in the ongoing peace negotiations, Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei agreed to a full surrender on the condition that Vice President JD Vance dresses up in "a very cute sailor outfit, preferably with the hat."
Tim Cook To Be Replaced By Tim Cook Pro Max 17
CUPERTINO, CA — Apple announced on Monday that longtime CEO Tim Cook would be stepping down from his role at the company and would be replaced by Tim Cook Pro Max 17, effective September 1.
39-Year Old Man Considering Career Change To Astronaut
LOS ANGELES, CA — Sources disclosed that a 39-year-old man named Jordan Benson was reportedly considering a career change to become an astronaut after seeing that mankind is going back to the moon and possibly even Mars.
Mamdani Orders Visiting Teams To Redistribute Some Of Their Runs To The Mets
NEW YORK, NY — In a bold new effort to address what he referred to as "run inequality," Mayor Zohran Mamdani ordered that a percentage of runs scored by each visiting MLB team be redistributed to the struggling New York Mets.