ROME, GA — After a long holiday weekend, local man Kevin Simpson returned to his office at River City Bank this morning, refreshed and ready to give a mediocre effort.
Babylon Bee
Senate Approves Mitch McConnell Working Remotely From Grave
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the U.S. Congress prepared to return to work next week, one major lingering question was answered as the Senate approved a request from Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell that will allow him to work remotely from the grave.
Women Honor Gloria Steinem By Leaving Kids At Daycare And Working 9 Hours At Jobs They Hate
U.S. — Women across America honored the passing of feminist icon Gloria Steinem by dropping their kids off at daycare and heading to work for 9 hours at jobs they all claim to hate.
California Teen Flunks Driver’s License Test For Fully Stopping At Stop Sign
SACRAMENTO, CA — A local 16-year-old saw her dreams crushed Thursday after bringing her vehicle to a complete, zero-mile-per-hour stop at a stop sign, a move that instantly disqualified her from receiving her license.
Nation’s Murderers Excited To Learn Killing Legal If You Say You Were Sad
U.S. — Millions of murderers across the country expressed overwhelming optimism today following reports that killing someone is effectively legal, provided the perpetrator informs authorities they were sad.
Breakthrough As Scientists At University Of Michigan Develop Ability To Travel Back In Time One Second
ANN ARBOR — In one of the most remarkable technological breakthroughs of the past millennium, scientists at the University of Michigan have successfully traveled backwards in time by one second.
Controversy In Michigan Tarnishes NCAA’s Otherwise Perfect Reputation
ANN ARBOR, MI — A highly controversial ending at Michigan Stadium has unfortunately put a slight black eye on the NCAA’s otherwise sterling reputation.
Breaking: Justice Still In The Hands Of God
U.S. — As news broke that the murder trial of Lindsay Clancy would end in a mistrial, Heaven released a statement reminding everyone that justice is still ultimately in the hands of God.
College Football Star Horrified He Might Be Drafted And Have To Take Huge Pay Cut
TUSCALOOSA, AL — After putting on a superb performance in the season opener, young college football star Davis Mack began worrying that he could wind up in the NFL Draft and be forced to take a massive pay cut.
Nation Votes To Remove Massachusetts
WASHINGTON, D.C. — American voters overwhelmingly passed a federal ballot initiative yesterday ordering the removal of Massachusetts from the United States.