LAKEWOOD, CO — In a solemn family meeting, local father Chandler Cooke gathered his wife and children into the living room to unveil the family’s detailed, non-negotiable Lord of the Rings summer viewing schedule.
Babylon Bee
Op-Ed: If We Stop Discriminating Based On The Color Of People’s Skin, The Racists Will Have Won
There’s a lot of talk out there about ending racial discrimination, but I implore everyone to reconsider. If we stop discriminating against people based on the color of their skin, the racists will have won.
Theologians Struggling To Explain How Loving God Could Allow Ohio
COLUMBUS, OH — The world’s leading theologians admitted this week that they have been collectively struggling to find a good explanation for why a loving God could allow Ohio.
With TSA Finally Funded, Air Travel Back To Being Awful For The Usual Reasons
U.S. — Now that the TSA is fully funded thanks to the end of the partial government shutdown, sources confirmed that air travel was already back to being awful for its usual reasons.
Democrats Deny Inciting Violence And Say Anyone Who Thinks They Do Must Be Eliminated By Any Means Necessary
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Less than a week after yet another assassination attempt against President Donald Trump, leaders of the Democratic Party pushed back against claims that they are guilty of inciting violence and said anyone who thinks they are should be eliminated by any means necessary.
Man Regrets Spending 15 Minutes Reading Bible This Morning
JACKSONVILLE, FL — Local man Trevor Riggs announced that he regretted spending 15 minutes reading the Bible this morning.
Amtrak Informs Small Town Girl Living In A Lonely World That They Don’t Actually Have A Midnight Train Going Anywhere
U.S. — According to reports, a small town girl living in a lonely world was forced to cancel her travel plans after being politely informed by an Amtrak employee that there isn’t actually a "midnight train going anywhere."
Newly Arrived Boomer Tells Heavenly Sound Guy The Worship Music Is Too Loud
HEAVEN — Within moments of arriving at the Pearly Gates, local boomer Gary Whitaker located Heaven’s sound booth and politely but firmly informed the angelic operator that the worship music was too loud.
Smoke Alarm Patiently Waits Until 3 A.M. To Announce Low Battery
MACON, GA — A smoke alarm living in the house of a local family waited patiently until all the home’s occupants went to sleep to start beeping loudly sometime around 3 A.M. to announce that its battery was low.
7 Devastating Effects Of Ending Race-Based Gerrymandering
With yesterday’s ruling, the United States Supreme Court officially declared it illegal to redraw voting districts based on the races of its citizenry. Sad!