ITHACA — Upon finally returning home after a desperate 20-year journey, Odysseus was informed by his wife Penelope that she was out of baking powder, and she asked if he could please run out again real quick.
Babylon Bee
Chicago Mayor Credits Huge Drop In Crime To Turning Crime Stats Chart Upside Down
CHICAGO, IL — Mayor Brandon Johnson credited Chicago’s drop in reported crime to his new policy of holding the crime statistics chart upside down.
United Methodist Church Announces Ban On Heterosexual Clergy
U.S. — Finally making public a long-anticipated change to the denomination’s policy regarding qualifications for members of its pastorate, the United Methodist Church announced a ban on heterosexual clergy.
9 Things Women Are Better At Than Men
There’s no denying the natural order of things — there are some things women are just plain better at than men. Being aware of these things can help life go more smoothly.
Life Hack: Instead Of Buying Guinness, Try Putting A Loaf Of Bread Into A Blender And Drinking It
Feel Irish from the comfort of your own home with this simple trick!
Smithsonian Director Says She Is Completely Unaware Of Any ‘Kill Whitey’ Tattoo On Her Forehead
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As congressional hearings looking into "wokeness" in federal institutions took place on Capitol Hill, a Smithsonian director admitted that she was completely unaware of any "Kill Whitey" tattoo on her forehead.
Unable To Arrest Netanyahu, Mamdani Takes Down Bibi With Vicious Diss Track
NEW YORK, NY — After coming to the sobering realization he has no authority to arrest a world leader, Mayor Zoran Mamdani reportedly released an epic hip hop diss track designed to get Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu shaking in his boots.
New Jersey Blames ‘Slight Software Glitch’ For Enrolling Entire Country Of Bolivia As Voters
TRENTON, NJ — Concerns about election integrity in the United States were once again brought to the public’s attention, as New Jersey blamed a "slight software glitch" for accidentally enrolling the entire country of Bolivia as voters.
Dejected Mamdani Admits He Lacks Legal Authority To Invade Poland
NEW YORK CITY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani tearfully admitted in a recorded statement that he does not, in fact, have any legal authority to invade Poland.
Oh No! RFK Jr. Eats Jimothy
SEATTLE, WA — In a shocking turn of events, the mutant raccoon and viral social media star known as "Jimothy" was eaten this afternoon by Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr.