U.S. — Members of the Democratic Party from across the nation issued a statement clarifying that everyone is an evil Nazi except that one guy running for Senate in Maine who has a Nazi tattoo.
Babylon Bee
10 New Additions To Trump’s Presidential Fitness Test
President Donald Trump announced this week that he was reinstating the Presidential Fitness Test to evaluate the physical health of America’s public school students.
Photo Caption Challenge Winner: Trump And The Bees Edition
Last week, we put out the challenge to our intrepid subscribers to caption this glorious photo of Trump with a bee. After sifting through the stack of entries, the editorial team at the Bee is proud to announce the winner is:
Adam And Eve Compile Comprehensive List Of Potential Suspects In Abel’s Murder
EAST OF EDEN — After discovering the horrific murder of their son Abel, Adam and Eve sat down to compile a comprehensive list of possible suspects.
Parents Excited To Learn What Grade They Got On Their Kid’s Science Project
SPRINGFIELD, IL — Local parents Mark and Jenna Wilkins spent the day eagerly waiting to find out what grade they received on their daughter Addison’s third-grade science project.
Hobo With Garbage Can Stuck On His Head Mistaken For Met Gala Attendee
NEW YORK, NY — The fashion world was in turmoil this morning after it was revealed that a hobo with a garbage can stuck on his head who wandered onto the red carpet was mistaken for a Met Gala attendee.
Sorry Excuse For Bluesky User Hasn’t Even Tried To Assassinate Trump
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Reports today indicated that a lousy, no good excuse for a Bluesky user has not even made one single attempt to assassinate President Donald Trump.
Coder Displaced By A.I. Told He Should Just ‘Learn To Mine Coal’
PORTLAND, OR — After losing his coding job to artificial intelligence, local man Roger Garrison was told by political pundits that he should instead learn to mine coal.
Jumping The Shark: ‘The Chosen’ Criticized For Planning To Kill Off Main Character Only To Resurrect Him Next Episode
U.S. — Fans of the hit faith-based series The Chosen were left reeling this week after showrunners were accused of "blatantly jumping the shark" by planning to kill off the show’s main character in one episode, only to bring Him back to life in the very next one.
Hospital Bill Just Picture Of Sad-Looking Mr. Monopoly With His Pockets Turned Inside Out
PENSACOLA, FL — Local man Steve Jacobs reported receiving a hospital bill this week that contained nothing but a photo of a sad-faced Mr. Monopoly with his pockets turned out.