TEHRAN — The legless torso of newly-appointed Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei assured the world that the loss of his legs in battle was "just a flesh wound".
Babylon Bee
Protestant Quarterback Throws Beautiful Hail Christ Alone Pass
SAN DIEGO, CA — A local protestant quarterback in a competitive amateur spring league made waves this week after throwing a beautiful Hail Christ Alone pass for the game-winning touchdown.
Man’s 47-minute Video Of Son’s Pee Wee Soccer Game Snubbed For Oscar
PHOENIX, AZ — Local dad Ben Grant was disappointed to learn that the 47-minute-long video he took of his 5-year-old son’s pee wee soccer game was snubbed for any consideration at the Oscars this year.
Unpaid TSA Agent Still Showing Up To Grope People For Love Of The Game
DENVER, CO — Despite the partial government shutdown, one unpaid TSA agent is still showing up to grope people at the airport for the pure love of the game.
Tragedy: Liberal Gets Stabbed Before Finishing Telling People How Peaceful Islam Is
LONDON — Authorities closed off a section of Barking Road in East Ham on Friday following the death of a liberal man who was stabbed to death before he had a chance to finish telling everyone how peaceful Islam is.
Oh No: Why Did The Worship Leader Bring An Accordion Onto The Stage?
BREA, CA — Church members were reportedly aghast when, during a routine worship service, the worship leader brought an accordion onto the stage.
To Save Time, CNN Will Now Run Retractions Simultaneously With News Stories
ATLANTA, GA — As part of the channel’s ongoing quest to ensure accurate media reporting, CNN has elected to run live retractions simultaneously with the news stories being reported at the time.
Media: No Motive Yet In Attack On Jewish Synagogue By Radical Muslim
U.S. — With the nation reeling from an outbreak of violent incidents in the wake of the U.S. military strikes against Iran, the media clarified that there was no known motive yet in the attack on a Jewish Synagogue by a radical Muslim.
Jew Converts To Christianity After Twitter User Says ‘Christ Is King, You Filthy Money-Grubbin’ Jew’
NEW YORK, NY — Heaven rejoiced today after a Jewish man accepted Jesus and converted to Christianity. Sources confirmed that the man was converted thanks to the powerful witness of an X user who proclaimed, "Christ is King, you filthy money-grubbin’ Jew."
Morbidly Obese Pete Hegseth Denies Any Knowledge Of What Happened To Leftover Lobster For The Troops
WASHINGTON, D.C. — An uncharacteristically rotund Pete Hegseth held a press conference to deny having any knowledge of what happened to all the leftover lobster that had been procured for the troops.