NEW YORK, NY — Speaking at the UN this week, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney clarified their Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID) program, explaining that by "assisted suicide" they mean "unsolicited murder".
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Anton Chigurh Lands New Job Performing Assisted Suicides In Canada
ONTARIO — Famed hitman and coin-flipping enthusiast Anton Chigurh announced this week that he had been hired by the Canadian government to help out with their assisted suicide program.
Man Comforted By Knowledge That A.I. Will Destroy Humanity Before AOC Can Become President
PITTSBURGH, PA — Local man Jeremiah Crisp took solace in the assurance that artificial intelligence would destroy all humanity in a fiery apocalypse before Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez would have the chance to be elected president.
United Nations Still Demanding To Be Taken Seriously
NEW YORK, NY — The 81st General Assembly of the United Nations entered a high-level week of talks this week, with delegates demanding that the world take the organization seriously.
‘The Babylon Bee’ Has Obtained The Fall Lineup For Trump TV
Move over, legacy media! The White House has officially unveiled the all-new TRUMP TV channel, featuring an incredible slate of original programming from everyone’s favorite president.
Local Man Pretty Holy Until Children Wake Up
CANTON, OH — Local man Curt Greenfield once again started off the day fairly righteous, right up until the moment that his children woke up.
Amazon To Begin Updating California Customers Once Packages Have Been Stolen
SEATTLE, WA — Amazon announced an update to its package tracking system that would helpfully inform California customers when their package had reached their destination and been stolen.
Muslims Say It’s Unfair To Judge Their Entire Religion Based On The Actions Of Several Million
WORLD — The international Muslim community issued a collective statement this week explaining that it would be unfair to judge their religion based on the bad actions of several million of its members.
RFK Jr. Teams Up With Starbucks To Introduce New Beef Tallow Spice Frappuccino
WASHINGTON, D.C. — HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced on Monday that he was teaming up with Starbucks to create a bold new Beef Tallow Spice Frappuccino as a healthier fall option for consumers.
Trump Revokes Grima Wormtongue’s Press Credentials
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the latest escalation of his administration’s ongoing feud with the mainstream media, President Donald Trump announced on Monday that the White House had revoked the press credentials of longtime CNN correspondent Gríma Wormtongue.