NEW YORK CITY — Joe Kent has resigned from the Trump administration despite the fact that doing so will lead to him being invited on a podcast tour and getting a six-figure book deal.
Babylon Bee
5-Year-Old Holds Press Conference To Announce He Is Switching Obsessive Interest From Backhoes To Dinosaurs
DAYTON, OH — Five-year-old Liam Montgomery held a press conference for friends and family this week in which announced he would be switching his obsessive interest in backhoes to an obsessive interest in dinosaurs.
Iran Update: Current Tax Dollars Winning Battle Against Tax Dollars From Three Years Ago
TEHRAN — After three weeks of fighting in Iran, current U.S. tax dollars are steadily defeating U.S. tax dollars from three years ago.
Mom Frustrated As Kids Once Again Devour Groceries Before Getting Home From Store
LINCOLN, NE — Local mom Clara Gibbons expressed dismay upon discovering that her children had once again eaten all the groceries that were in the trunk of the family’s vehicle before they’d even made it back home.
Spirit Unveils New All-Duct Tape Aircraft
DANIA BEACH, FL — Spirit Airlines unveiled a new all-duct tape aircraft that is expected to increase the company’s profit margins at the expense of customer safety in an effort to appease shareholders.
Man Condemned To Hell For Texting ‘LOL’ When He Didn’t Really Laugh Out Loud
HADES — Demons happily welcomed 27-year-old Jim Carole to Hell on Tuesday after he was immediately condemned to eternal damnation for texting "LOL" to a close friend when he didn’t really laugh out loud.
John Thune Vows To Bring SAVE Act Up For Vote As Soon As He’s Sure It Won’t Pass
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Americans pressing their senators and representatives to take action to secure elections, Senate Majority Leader John Thune vowed to bring the SAVE Act up for a vote as soon as he was sure it wouldn’t pass.
San Francisco Celebrates St. Patrick’s Day By Adding Green Dye To Sidewalk Poop
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Just in time for St. Patrick’s Day, San Francisco officials spared no expense in dyeing all the poop on the city’s sidewalks green.
Trump Lures Gay Ayatollah Out Of Hiding With Cardboard Cutout Of David Hasselhoff
TEHRAN — At President Donald Trump’s direction, the U.S. military successfully took out Iran’s new gay supreme leader by luring him out of his bunker with a cardboard cutout of Baywatch star David Hasselhoff.
9 Clear Signs The Ayatollah Is Gay
In addition to reports that he was seriously injured in airstrikes at the onset of the U.S.-Iran conflict, new rumors arose this week that the newly chosen Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, is also incredibly gay. Upon further investigation, however, the signs may have always been there.