PEORIA, IL — Authorities advised all residents to be on high alert heading into the weekend, following a sudden catastrophe that resulted from a local man failing to listen closely even though the menu options had changed.
Babylon Bee
Pastor Psyches Himself Up For Another Grueling One-Day Work Week
SAINT LOUIS, MO — It was officially "go time" on Friday at the home of one local pastor, as he commenced his normal routine of psyching himself up for yet another grueling one-day work week.
Mom Decides To Drop Kids Off For First Day Of School Three Weeks Early
DALLAS, TX — Citing extreme mental fatigue, local mother Sarah Jenkins made the decision this week to drop her children off for the first day of school roughly three weeks before the actual first day.
To Avoid Criticism For Hooking Up With His Cousin, Troy Jackson Converts To Islam
ALLAGASH, ME — Maine Senate candidate Troy Jackson reportedly converted to Islam as a way to evade criticism for hooking up with his cousin.
Spaniards Horrified To See Their Country Turning Into Minnesota
CUETA — The people of Spain were reportedly horrified to see footage of tens of thousands of migrants illegally invading their nation, knowing full well that their country could soon become Minnesota.
Ruined By WOKE: Ms. Pac-Man Made Less Sexy For Modern Remake
TOKYO — Following a trend in the video game industry to stop serving women up for the male gaze, Ms. Pac-Man has been made less sexy for the modern-day remake of the classic arcade hit.
Fauci Appears On ‘Jeopardy!’, Pleads The Fifth To Every Question
CULVER CITY, CA — Dr. Anthony Fauci appeared on the beloved trivia game show Jeopardy! last night, only to invoke the Fifth Amendment in response to every clue.
8-Year-Old Muslim Child Bride Awarded Britain’s ‘Women’s Empowerment Person Of The Year’
LONDON — The British government awarded its coveted "Women’s Empowerment Person of the Year" to 8-year-old Muslim child bride Aisha Malik.
WNBA Announces Caitlin Clark Punching Bag Night
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — The WNBA announced today it would hold a special "Caitlin Clark Punching Bag Night" during an upcoming Indiana Fever home game. The official promotion was reportedly designed to lean into what league executives called "a beloved on-court tradition."
Spain Turns To Experienced Border Czar Kamala Harris For Help With Migrant Invasion
MADRID — With the borders of its territories overwhelmed this morning by tens of thousands of young Moroccan migrants, Spain turned to veteran Border Czar Kamala Harris for guidance as to how to stop the invasion.