HEAVEN — A group of seraphim guarding the gates of Heaven was terrified yesterday by the sudden appearance of legendary martial artist and action star Chuck Norris, who passed into glory at the earthly age of 86.
Babylon Bee
Gavin Newsom’s 10 Biggest Accomplishments
California owes a lot to Governor Gavin Newsom. So much, in fact, that it’s hard to narrow down his long list of accomplishments.
Tucker Carlson Loses On ‘Wheel Of Fortune’ After Guessing ‘Israel’ On Every Puzzle
LOS ANGELES, CA — Podcaster Tucker Carlson appeared as a guest on the popular game show Wheel of Fortune this week and lost badly after guessing "Israel" for every single puzzle.
MLB Introduces Popular New Rule Where Umps Who Get More Than 3 Calls Overturned Are Jettisoned Into The Sun
U.S. — Ahead of Opening Day next week, Major League Baseball announced a new permanent rule where umpires who get more than 3 of their calls overturned over the course of a game will be jettisoned into the sun.
Gay Ayatollah Excited After Receiving DM From Cute Guy Jamesmohammed O’Keefibad
TEHRAN — According to U.S. intelligence sources, Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei couldn’t believe his luck when he received a DM from a cute guy by the name of Jamesmohammed O’Keefibad.
California Celebrates Installation Of Single L.A. Trash Can That Cost $400 Billion And Took 18 Years To Build
LOS ANGELES, CA — California state and city officials gathered with residents on Thursday to celebrate the opening of a public trash can that cost just $400 billion and took only 18 years to install.
Democrats Fear Higher Gas Prices Could Affect Molotov Cocktail Production
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the war in Iran creating both unrest in the Middle East and uncertainty in the oil industry, Democrats expressed fear that higher gas prices could affect Molotov cocktail production.
Kevin The Janitor Now Most Senior Military Official Left In Iran
TEHRAN — Following the latest round of U.S. and Israeli airstrikes in the country, Kevin, the janitor at the Office of the Supreme Leader, was officially recognized as now being the most senior military official left in Iran.
8 Coolest Perks Of Becoming The New Ayatollah
The hottest job on the market right now is being the Iranian Ayatollah, but why is everyone suddenly buzzing about it? Here are just eight of the most incredible perks that come with being the new Supreme Leader:
Kim Jong-Un Wins Over Populace With His Charisma, Experience, And Ability To Shoot You In The Face If You Don’t Vote For Him
PYONGYANG — History was made once again in the small but proud nation of North Korea, as longtime leader Kim Jong-Un’s political party claimed victory by winning over the populace with his trademark charisma, experience, and ability to shoot you in the face if you don’t vote for…